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Sound Bites: July 11, 2014

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”They’re all so big! Are you suggesting I have fat ashes?” —Holly (Tori Spelling), horrified by the potential urns for her fake funeral, on Mystery Girls

”As far as I can tell, a young-adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.” —Stephen Colbert, interviewing author John Green, on The Colbert Report

”Sweetheart, your shorts are shrinking by the second. Cold water, air-dry. Please.” —Cade (Mark Wahlberg), to his 17-year-old short-shorts-wearing daughter, Tessa (Nicola Peltz), in Transformers: Age of Extinction

”My past is my past. I’ve done a lot of things; I done a lot of people.” —Jocasta, a minister housemate, on Big Brother

”For starters, stop dressing like you’re totally easy.” —Gretta (Keira Knightley), giving 14-year-old Violet (Hailee Steinfeld) dating advice, in Begin Again

”It’s nice to meet you, Scott. My boobs are fine, so I’m gonna find the bar.” —Harry (Brett Tucker), introducing himself to Joss’ (Jes Macallan) plastic-surgeon boyfriend (Justin Hartley), on Mistresses

”You know, the last time the U.S. and Germany squared off, Tom Hanks died so Matt Damon could go home. It was a tragedy.” —Jimmy Kimmel, joking about the World Cup, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

”The only death tonight on my head is yours.” —Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), right before throwing Margot (Michelle Fairley) out of a fifth-story window, on 24: Live Another Day

”They used up all their bullets four years ago in the last revolt. Bullets are extinct.” —Curtis (Chris Evans), just before staging a coup, in Snowpiercer

”People don’t usually wanna kill me for one of my movies until after they’ve paid 12 bucks for it. Hiyooooo!!!” —Seth Rogen, reacting to Kim Jong Un’s threat of retaliation over the release of The Interview, on Twitter

”If we watch the California Raisins on YouTube will it help break this story?” —Mindy Kaling, presumably tweeting from the writers’ room of The Mindy Project

”Awww boys don’t freak it’s not like lie detector tests are even admissible in court let alone in love.” —Andi Dorfman, live-tweeting The Bachelorette

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