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Let's Do 'Battle'!

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The Teams
Four men and four women represent each of the five broadcast networks. Modern twist: They use social media to raise money for the charities of their choice. Incentives include the sweaty or washed T-shirts off their backs.

Team ABC
Captain: Kerry Washington (Scandal)
Connie Britton (Nashville)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)
Nathan Fillion (Castle)
Scott Foley (Scandal)
Emily VanCamp (Revenge)
Ming-Na Wen (Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)
Jesse Williams (Grey’s Anatomy)

Team CBS
Captain: Lucy Liu (Elementary)
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting (The Big Bang Theory)
Anna Faris (Mom)
LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles)
Shemar Moore (Criminal Minds)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Michael Weatherly (NCIS)

Team NBC
Captain: Chris Pratt (Parks and Recreation)
Megan Boone (The Blacklist)
Lauren Graham (Parenthood)
Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU)
Taylor Kinney (Chicago Fire)
Adam Levine (The Voice)
Kate McKinnon (SNL)
Nick Offerman (Parks and Recreation)

Team Fox
Captain: Mindy Kaling (The Mindy Project)
Kevin Bacon (The Following)
Nicole Beharie (Sleepy Hollow)
David Boreanaz (Bones)
Terry Crews (Brooklyn Nine-Nine)
Emily Deschanel (Bones)
Zooey Deschanel (New Girl)
Max Greenfield (New Girl)

Team TheCW
Captain: Stephen Amell (Arrow)
Jensen Ackles (Supernatural)
Tyra Banks (America’s Next Top Model)
Nina Dobrev (The Vampire Diaries)
Adelaide Kane (Reign)
Jared Padalecki (Supernatural)
Emily Bett Rickards (Arrow)
Paul Wesley (The Vampire Diaries)

The Hosts
Howard Cosell’s shoes would be filled by…

Jimmy Fallon Anchor, thoroughly enjoys inane celeb participation
Jimmy Kimmel Anchor, more likely to keep a straight face
Mark Harmon Former BOTNS ringer, provides color commentary
Amy Poehler Sideline reporter, offers support (and ridicule)

The Events
Rather than go for the full-on embarrassment of Wipeout, we’d opt for the classic events from BOTNS (which aired on ABC from 1976 to ’88).

1. Kayak Relay
In ’82, a young Ricky Schroder secretly practiced for weeks in NBC’s inflatable vessel (much like Locklear’s).

2. Dunk Tank
Stars try to soak the swimsuit-clad competitor of their choice in this equal-opportunity objectifier. Dunkees distract with their bodies or smack talk.

3. Running Relay
Instead of a straightforward 4 × 100, we insist one portion be a three-legged race. (C’mon, it’s for charity!)

4. Obstacle Course
Your standard Army belly crawl, tires, monkey bars, wall climb, and rope to swing over a small moat. No pressure, Amell.

5. Tug-of-War
An epic duel of strained faces that often lasted 10 minutes and typically ended with the losing team in mud. We’d need this commercial-free.

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