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Will Ferrell volunteers to 'bite every German player' on behalf of the U.S. World Cup team

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Will Ferrell

When the U.S. men’s soccer team squares off against Germany today in the World Cup, Will Ferrell will not be in uniform. Actually, to be more accurate, he might be in uniform, but he will not be playing for Team USA.

To that, you may say, “What in the name of Jozy Altidore’s shredded hamstring are you talking about, you bandwagon-jumping doofus?”

Last night in Recife, Brazil, the site of today’s match, Ferrell was introduced as a late-addition player for the U.S. side. “I’m so honored to be playing tomorrow,” he told an enthusiastic crowd. “I’m not going to lie to you, I’m not in the best shape. … [But] if the game gets close, I will bite the opponent. I will bite every German player if I have to.”

Watch the clip below, which includes a special appearance by Teddy Goalsevelt:

The biting remark, of course, refers to Uruguayan player Luis Suarez, who took a chomp of an Italian player’s shoulder and then had the gall to flop to the ground as if his opponent had hit him in his teeth. It’s comical, it’s pathetic, it’s possibly criminal, and it’s a black mark against the sport poised to break into the American consciousness. Suarez, who has a history of biting—no joke—was today suspended for four months.