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Sound Bites: June 13, 2014

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”The night shift is not like your day shift. It’s an undisciplined zoo. Last week someone stole my cell phone and sent erotic texts to my dentist.” —Michael (Freddy Rodriguez) on The Night Shift

”We’ve got maybe two [guys] that can carry a tune.” —Boyz II Men’s Shawn Stockman, after coaching Andi’s suitors during a musical group date, on The Bachelorette

”Everything out here that’s not you wants to kill you.” —Albert (Seth MacFarlane) in A Million Ways to Die in the West

”Playing matchmaker with an ex proves you’ve gone from point A to point cray.” —Tamara (Jillian Rose Reed), scolding Jenna (Ashley Rickards) for suggesting a date for Matty, on Awkward

”Yeah, carry it up to the water and drown it!” —Boyz II Men’s Wanya Morris on The Bachelorette

”Harvard Law has an incredible number of illustrious alumni. President Barack Obama attended Harvard Law, or so he says. Elle Woods went here, from the trenchant documentary Legally Blonde.” —Mindy Kaling, delivering the commencement address at Harvard Law School

”Computers aren’t the thing. They’re the thing that gets us to the thing.” —Joe MacMillan (Lee Pace), to Gordon Clark (Scoot McNairy), on Halt and Catch Fire

”I don’t like children.” —Maleficent (Angelina Jolie), to a young Aurora (played by Jolie’s daughter Vivienne Jolie-Pitt), in Maleficent

”We need to do what any animal in nature does when it’s cornered: act erratically and blindly lash out at everything around us.” —Erlich (T.J. Miller), about Pied Piper’s business dilemma, on Silicon Valley

”Rebecca has gone to a better place, and I already miss her face. I’m sure whoever killed her has gone far away. It would be best to stop looking and start a new day. The saddest part is that Dan is now alone, but he should know that he can always call me on the phone.” —Amy, eulogizing a friend in rhyming couplets, on Inside Amy Schumer

”You’ve been in exile for four years, Jack. Haven’t you learned anything?” —President Heller (William Devane), to Jack (Kiefer Sutherland), on 24: Live Another Day

”At some point I must have given you the impression I enjoy small talk with the help, and that’s not the case. Will you please accept my apology as you leave to scrub my toilet?” —Evelyn (Rebecca Wisocky), to Valentina (Edy Ganem), on Devious Maids

”Turns out far too much has been written about great men and not nearly enough about morons. Doesn’t seem right.” —Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) on Game of Thrones

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