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Sound Bites: May 9, 2014

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“If the kind of sex I had was a suit, it would be made of linen because it was so casual.” —Walden (Ashton Kutcher), following the advice of his therapist to avoid emotional attachments, on Two and a Half Men

“I gotta go to the bathroom. They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?” —Selina (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), visiting a Silicon Valley tech company, on Veep

“Single dads in luxury vehicles? I need one of them to hit me and then hit on me.” —Meredith (Ari Graynor) on Bad Teacher

“It’s become clear to me that I’ve won television.” —Stephen Colbert, explaining his exit from The Colbert Report, on The Daily Show

“A fan posted a video of Drake using a lint roller on his pants at a Toronto Raptors game. See, when I use a lint roller, I do my jacket first, but Drake started from the bottom.” —Seth Meyers on Late Night

“My family is not that Jewish, okay? The theme of my bar mitzvah was ‘Christmas in Connecticut.'” —Peter (Adam Pally) on The Mindy Project

“The Kingslayer brothers. Do you like it? I like it.” —Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), coining a nickname for Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) and himself after he’s accused of killing his nephew, on Game of Thrones

“You had sex with my husband 50 times? Don’t you have a job or hobbies?” —Kate (Leslie Mann), to her husband’s mistress (Cameron Diaz), in The Other Woman

“Every time I do art, some do-gooder teacher sends it straight to a therapist.” —Bart on The Simpsons

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