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Oscars 2017
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Advice, Kurt Vonnegut-Style

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“I have not calculated how much your diplomas cost in time and money. Whatever those ballpark figures are, they surely deserve this reaction from me today: Wow. Wow. Wow.”

“Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, representing nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college.”

“If I have offended some of you by speaking ill of Thomas Jefferson, tough titty for you.”

“There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: only nutcases want to be president.”

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