1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West taking wedding guests on tour of Versailles
”I’ve been told it would be apropos for our nuptials to include the seat of 18th-century European monarchism and baroque opulence,” Kim said. ”Plus we can totally take selfies in the palace fountain!!!”
2. Five Finger Death Punch cause fuss for prodding 9-year-old girl to chant their lyric ”Burn, motherf—er, burn!” on stage
In the band’s defense, the 4-year-old they’d hired to spit fireballs into the crowd got lost riding his Big Wheel to the concert, and this was the quick fix.
3. Robin Thicke tries to get back estranged wife by singing new song at Billboard Music Awards titled… ”Get Her Back”
This is actually his second attempt to reconcile through song, as ”It Didn’t Mean Anything (Thinking of You the Whole Time)” didn’t do the trick for some reason.
4. Chipotle to adorn cups and bags with essays by such writers as Malcolm Gladwell and Jonathan Safran Foer
Looking forward to Gladwell’s ”The Tipping Point: Why That Other Guy in Line Got More Guac Than You” and Foer’s ode to his issues digesting an extra-spicy barbacoa burrito, ”Extremely Loud and Incredibly Gross.”
5. LAPD reportedly investigating Justin Bieber for attempted robbery after woman claims he tried to swipe her cell phone at family fun park
He has a rock-solid alibi: He was on stage at a Five Finger Death Punch concert.
6. All 11 hosts of The View assemble in May 15 episode to celebrate Barbara Walters
Walters called the reunion ”a blast,” while men referred to it as ”Armageddon.”
7. Defunct band Spirit reportedly to sue Led Zeppelin for allegedly swiping riff from their song ”Taurus” for ”Stairway to Heaven”
Spirit is seeking $100 million, or for every guitar store to change the sign on the wall to ”NO TAURUS.”
8. EW publishes final Hit List
No joke — just a heartfelt thank-you for reading over the years. This column always gave me the perfect amount of space to express my com—