Operating under the assumption that longtime mascot and nightmare harlequin Ronald McDonald isn’t demonic enough to frighten the hard-boiled tweeter-tumbling kids of today, McDonald’s has introduced a new Happy Meal character. Its name is Happy, and it will take all your happiness and devour it whole. It is the All-Consuming Entropy, the Mouth that will swallow us all, the tunnel at the end of the light. And here is everything it looks like:
– Lightning McQueen from Cars, if cars had arms and legs.
– A small red box with limbs made out of elephant tusk.
– The Noid if the Noid fell into the Ninja Turtles ooze right after eating a happy meal.
– What it looks like when a serial killer does the DreamWorks Smile.
– A creature in a Miyazaki movie, if Miyazaki lived in a universe where Poochie the Dog was Mickey Mouse.
– A mid-’90s definition of “sass.”
– Your parents with their hands on their hips, not mad but just disappointed. Except, wait a minute — your parents don’t have any elbows, and also their bodies have been replaced by a gigantic mouth. CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!
– Pac-Man with killer kicks.
– That rumor you heard about how McDonald’s makes chicken nuggets out of genetically engineered headless chickens, “headless” because that makes it easier to stack them in their chicken prisons.
– The box that the makers of Happy the Happy Meal were told to think outside of.
– The eyes of the Corinthian from The Sandman.
– Mike from Monsters, Inc., if Mike were an actual monster. (Courtesy of Hillary Busis, monster expert.)
– The piano with teeth from Super Mario 64, except instead of playing music it plays with the desiccated bones of bygone puppies.
– “The boundless daemon-sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin, monotonous whine of accursed flutes.” — H.P. Lovecraft, “The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath”
– SpongeBob Squarepants, except not a sponge and without pants.
– Teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth.
– Tongue, tongue, tongue, tongue.
– The abstract concept of “xtreme.”