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Sound Bites: May 23, 2014

Memorable lines from ”The Daily Show,” ”Saturday Night Live,” and more

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“How much will you be moving when a skate glides over your windpipe? It happened to Judy Muntz’s nephew and now he can only communicate with a Speak & Spell he wears around his neck.” —Beverly (Wendi McLendon-Covey), to son Barry (Troy Gentile), on The Goldbergs

“He’s doing the reverse She’s All That!” —Jon Stewart, theorizing that Texas governor Rick Perry has started wearing glasses to seem smarter, on The Daily Show

“For years I was flying all over the world dealing with some of the worst humanitarian crises, you know, but I suppose it’s also tough to make a chubby kid eat an apple.” — Hillary Clinton (Vanessa Bayer), to Michelle Obama (Sasheer Zamata), on Saturday Night Live

“I love you. I’m all-in, babe.” —Rayna (Connie Britton), to Luke (Will Chase), on Nashville

“Looks like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory.” —Mac (Seth Rogen), marveling over Teddy (Zac Efron), in Neighbors

“Marriages fail because of poor communication and poorness and sexy assistants and diminished returns and letting yourself go and GMOs and HBO and Catherine Zeta-Jones.” —Dalia (Carly Chaikin) on Suburgatory

“I’m tired of everyone telling me to shut up. I’m not stupid! I speak Italian.” —Betty (January Jones), to husband Henry (Christopher Stanley), on Mad Men

“Do I count the 200-pound Sailor Moon girl that Howard and I had a threesome with at Comic-Con?” —Raj (Kunal Nayyar), recounting the 11 women he’s dated, on The Big Bang Theory