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Sound Bites: May 2, 2014

Memorable lines from ”Scandal,” ”New Girl,” and more

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“I’m the thing that needs to be fixed. I’m the thing that needs to be handled. I’m the scandal, and the way to deal with a scandal is to shut it down.” —Olivia (Kerry Washington) on Scandal

“I didn’t know I was gonna be interrogated by the Hooterville telephone operator.” —Don Draper (Jon Hamm), to colleague Dave Wooster (David James Elliott), on Mad Men

“No, highly irregular is the time I found a human foot in a toaster oven. This is just odd.” —Lorne (Billy Bob Thornton), when a mail clerk finds his request peculiar, on Fargo

“Boob season’s over for you.” —Jess (Zooey Deschanel), following her breakup with Nick (Jake Johnson), on New Girl

“Come on, Blaine. Season 7 of Arli$$ is when it gets really good.” —Sam (Chord Overstreet), continuing his binge-watching, on Glee

“Lauren, do not get Kim Jong-un on the phone, you’ll wake Dennis Rodman.” —Simon (Robin Williams), after an assistant is advised to contact North Korea, on The Crazy Ones

“I can’t spend another Friday night watching Netflix. I’m at the end of my queue.” —Karma (Katie Stevens), refusing to be a high school loser, on Faking It

“I’m done with mug shots, and I’m ready for an Oscar.” —Lindsay Lohan, ad-libbing her own Real Housewives-style tagline, on Watch What Happens Live

“Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It’s what we doctors like to call — and I don’t mean to be insensitive — a going-out-of-business sale.” —Dr. Saperstein (Henry Winkler) to Leslie (Amy Poehler), who’s expecting triplets, on Parks and Recreation