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Sound Bites: April 4, 2014

Memorable lines from ”How I Met Your Mother,” ”Glee,” and more

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“No more books, Ted. I don’t like the person you become when you read books.” —Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), to Ted (Josh Radnor), on How I Met Your Mother

“You need to cut the bulls—.” —Oprah, to Lindsay Lohan, on Lindsay

“David dumped my ass. At Señor Frog’s, of all horrifying places.” —Luke (Chris Brochu), bemoaning his breakup, on The Vampire Diaries

“Keep your distance, Pascal. This dress may touch my body, but you’ll never be so lucky.” —Victoria (Madeleine Stowe), to her admirer (Olivier Martinez), on Revenge

“Don’t get me wrong — there’s a certain beauty in your resistance.” —Tris (Shailene Woodley), to Jeanine (Kate Winslet), in Divergent

“If you’ve ever wondered what a glass of chardonnay with your name misspelled on it looks like, you’re about to find out.” —Jimmy Kimmel, talking about Starbucks’ plan to serve alcohol, on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“I don’t believe in relationships. Someone always ends up dead.” —Emma (Valorie Curry) on The Following

“I have here a line-item budget of the jungle set you constructed on stage a few weeks back so the glee club could perform a Katy Perry song literally for just you.” —Sue (Jane Lynch), discussing New Directions’ expenses with Will (Matthew Morrison), on Glee

“I’m listening to Jaleel or No Deal. It’s a podcast where the kid who played Urkel reviews old Deal or No Deal episodes. It’s pointless, and I love it.” —Donna (Retta) on Parks and Recreation