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Hit List: March 28, 2014

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1. Keith Richards to pen kids’ book
He’s deciding between a twist on a folktale titled Stoned Soup and a short-story collection, Frog and Toad Are Friends That Can Be Licked.

2. Dunphy home on Modern Family for sale: $2.35 million
Just think what they could’ve gotten if they’d bothered to fix the step on the front-hall staircase.

3. Lady Gaga gets vomited on and humped by performance artist during SXSW gig
Madonna turned to Miley, shook her head, and said, “I — I — I’m out,” while Miley looked at her bucket of bat guano and five greased-up dancers straddling bedazzled jackhammers, took a deep breath, and muttered, “Well, here goes nothing…”

4. List of people Lindsay Lohan has allegedly slept with publicly leaked
The most shocking thing? It was longer than her “People I’ve Hit With My Car” list. (But there’s a surprising amount of overlap.)

5. Tom Bergeron to exit America’s Funniest Home Videos after next season
At the end of his final show, Bergeron is expected to tearfully wave goodbye to the audience before falling down an icy banana-peel-covered staircase while losing his toupee and then getting nailed in the crotch with a Frisbee tossed by a pug wearing oversize shades.

6. Britney Spears causes stir by heading off to work out in silver sauna suit that increases sweating
Alas, she made it only a few blocks before passing out on top of an overclothed Martin Lawrence.

7. Rocky opens on Broadway to positive reviews
The only glitch was when Lady Gaga crashed the stage, draped the side of beef around her shoulders, and vomited on it.

8. The Big Bang Theory renewed for three more seasons
That works out to, like, 72 more episodes for fans and 94 more Kaley Cuoco Priceline ads for everyone else.

9. Harry Styles saved by AAA after motorcycle breaks down in L.A.
He’s thinking of upgrading to AAA Plus, which includes up to three monthly rescues from a pack of shrieking 13-year-old girls waving pens.

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