Glamour! Elegance! The sweet smell of self-congratulation! None will be present at the 34th annual Razzie Awards, a proudly low-budget event dedicated to dishonoring the previous year’s worst movies. (Actually, make that “no-budget”; have you seen the Razzies’ website? It looks like a Geocities page from 1996.)
There are several strong contenders in this year’s Razzies race, from father-and-son team Will and Jaden Smith to perennial “winner” Adam Sandler and Golden Raspberry Award Foundation favorite Sylvester Stallone, who snagged a record-breaking 31st nomination for his work in three 2013 films. (Note: It is not hard to become a member of the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation. In fact, all you need is $40.)
Which of them will walk away with a $4.79 gold-spray-painted trophy come Saturday? The true answer is probably none; Razzie winners hardly ever show up to collect their prizes. (There are, of course, exceptions to every rule.) Even so, these awards are getting handed out — and here are EW’s official picks for which movies deserve each one, as well as which movies will probably end up on top. As it were.
Grown Ups 2
The Lone Ranger
A Madea Christmas
Should win: Have you seen the sketch-comedy monstrosity that is Movie 43? Probably not — it didn’t even crack $9 million domestically. Even from the trailer, though, you should be able to glean that it’s among the crappiest movies in at least a generation; Richard Roeper even declared it “the Citizen Kane of awful.” Like, Gerard Butler plays a homicidal leprechaun. That alone should be enough to win Worst Picture.
Will win: Given both The Last Airbender‘s win in 2011 and the fact that bad dramas are both funnier and, ultimately, more enjoyable than bad comedies, I’d guess After Earth will spacewalk away with the night’s biggest prize.
Halle Berry, The Call and Movie 43
Selena Gomez, Getaway
Lindsay Lohan, The Canyons
Tyler Perry, A Madea Christmas
Naomi Watts, Diana and Movie 43
Should win: Only one person really thought The Canyons would be Lindsay Lohan’s big comeback, and that person’s name is Lindsay Lohan. Somehow, though, the movie was even worse than people thought it might be — and though a Razzie win would just be adding insult to injury, Lohan probably deserves it.
Will win: Lohan. She hasn’t been this bad since I Know Who Killed Me, which, incidentally, was the last time she won at the Razzies (three times, no less!).
Johnny Depp, The Lone Ranger
Ashton Kutcher, Jobs
Adam Sandler, Grown Ups 2
Jaden Smith, After Earth
Sylvester Stallone, Bullet To The Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match
Should win: Will a Razzie finally convince Johnny Depp to cool it with the wigs and the makeup and the dumb, mannered quirks and just make another good movie already? If so, please give him this award.
Will win: Adam Sandler has the distinction of winning two back-to-back Worst Actor prizes, and this year, he’s up for a threepeat. The show won’t shy away from rewarding its favorite recent target — though Sly could possibly edge him out, due to the nostalgia factor alone.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Lady Gaga, Machete Kills
Salma Hayek, Grown Ups 2
Katherine Heigl, The Big Wedding
Kim Kardashian, Tyler Perry’s Temptation
Lindsay Lohan, InAPPropriate Comedy and Scary Movie 5
Should win: It’s no contest: Kardashian can’t even breathe convincingly in Temptation.
Will win: Kardashian. Doi.
WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Brown, Battle of the Year
Larry The Cable Guy, A Madea Christmas
Taylor Lautner, Grown Ups 2
Will Smith, After Earth
Nick Swardson, A Haunted House and Grown Ups 2
Should win: This field is kind of meh, actually; while they’re all fairly bad, none of these guys is utterly, utterly terrible. But given just how wooden Will Smith is in After Earth — and what a shame that is, since Smith has more innate charisma than nearly any other working actor — he edges out the competition slightly.
Will win: Chris Brown’s Chris Brown-osity is enough to win him any award that’s prefaced by “worst.”
WORST SCREEN COMBO
The Entire Cast of Grown Ups 2
The Entire Cast of Movie 43
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, Scary Movie 5
Tyler Perry and EITHER Larry the Cable Guy OR That Worn-Out Wig and Dress, A Madea Christmas
Jaden Smith and Will Smith on Planet Nepotism, After Earth
Should win: I’d say Lohan and Sheen, but their whole scene is too sad even for schadenfreude. So let’s go with Tyler Perry, who still — still! has yet to win a Razzie. That’s even more shocking than Leo getting shafted at the Oscars year after year.
Will win: That “Planet Nepotism” dig make it seem like the Razzies have a special hatred for After Earth, which means it’ll probably win — though the cast of Grown Ups 2 could be a dark horse.
The 13 People Who Directed Movie 43
Dennis Dugan, Grown Ups 2
Tyler Perry, A Madea Christmas and Temptation
M. Night Shyamalan, After Earth
Gore Verbinski, The Lone Ranger
Should win: An ambitious failure hurts more than a mediocrity, which is why the actually talented Gore Verbinski deserves to edge out Dennis “Fart Sound” Dugan.
Will win: Perennial punching bag Shyamalan, no question, even though direction was the least of After Earth‘s worries. The Razzies love to rag on him — see Shyamalan’s two previous Worst Director wins for proof. (He was also nominated but didn’t win for The Happening, which seems like a travesty until you find out who did win: Uwe Boll, the Fellini of Crap.)
After Earth, screenplay by Gary Whitta and M. Night Shyamalan; story by Will Smith
Grown Ups 2, written by Fred Wolfe, Adam Sandler, and Tim Herlihy
The Lone Ranger, screen story and screenplay by Ted Elliott, Justin Haythe, and Terry Rosso
A Madea Christmas, written by Tyler Perry
Movie 43, written by 19 “screenwriters”
Kitai Raige [waking up from an antidote-induced coma]: Hey Dad.
Cypher Raige: Hey.
Kitai Raige: That sucked.
Cypher Raige: That is correct.
After Earth FTW!
Will win: After Earth. I mean, Will Smith’s character is named Cypher Raige. Cypher Raige. CYPHER RAIGE.
WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL
Grown Ups 2
The Hangover Part III
The Lone Ranger
Scary Movie 5
Should win: For crimes against Melissa McCarthy and the least committed ensemble this side of a community theater, The Hangover Part III ought to be censured.
Will win: Grown Ups 2 may not clinch the Razzies’ top prize, but this category is definitely its to lose.