1. Popular Brooklyn restaurant Brucie features Beyoncé-themed Valentine’s Day menu with such dishes as Breastiny’s Child
The following night, the restaurant will offer “Rowland With the Oldies: a remix of the Valentine’s Day leftovers.”
2. Stevie Nicks on love: ”It would be fun if I could find a boyfriend who understood my life”
Little does she know, she’s actually had four suitors this year: The first three never made it past the fourth layer of shawl, and the other one kept asking out the back of her head while she was midtwirl.
3. Ice-T mocks Dungeons & Dragons while talking about struggles of narrating audiobook: ”Motherf—ers talk like Yoda: ‘Outside I go, into the sun thereof….’ How do you read this s—?”
Our 14th-level bard will need to Inspire Courage (+3) on our party so one of us can cast silence on this foul warlock. [Adjusts glasses on nose.]
4. Lady Mary’s wedding tiara from Downton Abbey available for rent: $2,000 a day with $200,000 deposit
Sounds steep, but you’ll get 30 percent off a mourning-veil rental for your husband’s soon-to-follow funeral.
5. CBS orders John Cusack-produced Wall Street drama pilot
The most emotional moment comes when a junior analyst stands on a crowded street outside his boss’ office and holds a prospectus for a convertible unsecured subordinated debenture issuance above his head while blasting Barenaked Ladies’ “If I Had $1,000,000.”
6. B.B. King’s birthplace marker stolen from Mississippi Blues Trail, then returned
Asked why he had brought it back, the thief shrugged and said that the thrill was gone.
7. Florida teacher suspended for giving class Lil Wayne lyrics as homework to learn literary devices
One mother grew suspicious when she asked her son at dinner if he’d finished his homework and he said, “B—-, real Gs move in silence like lasagna — wait, wait, before you ground me, can you just tell me if that’s a metaphor or a simile?”