February 07, 2014 at 05:00 AM EST

1. In new interview, J.K. Rowling says that Hermione should have married Harry Potter instead of Ron
Sighed Ron: “What the @#%!, J.K.? Having Harry score with my sister wasn’t enough?”

2. Kiss bassist Gene Simmons to play himself on CSI next month
Let’s just say it’s the most horrifying use of black light on a tongue, ever.

3. Oprah pulls plug on 60th-birthday party after guest list gets too large
When you opened the cancellation e-card, it blared: “You don’t get an invite!!! You don’t get an invite!!! You don’t get an invite!!! Nobody gets an invite!!!”

4. Miley spanks Madonna and twerks on horse in MTV Unplugged special
A Miley mix-and-match game: Pick an action (puts tongue on, rides naked on, twerks on) and a direct object (teddy bear, foam finger, Robin Thicke), then discuss your feelings (amusement, sadness, fear, other).

5. Scott Bakula to star on NCIS New Orleans spin-off
Well, just lost my CBS spin-off pool. (Had Emilio Estevez/Atlanta against Don Johnson/Houston in the finals.)

6. Justin Bieber charged with assault for alleged attack on Toronto limo driver
The driver reportedly received four punches from Bieber and a lot of s— from his friends.

7. Thirty-three years after forming, Mötley Crüe announce plans for final tour in 2014
Fans kinda had a feeling retirement was coming, as the last tour’s set list contained such songs as “Kickstart My Heart Monitor” and “Shout at the Mailman.”

8. Back to the Future musical planned for London’s West End in 2015 with Robert Zemeckis and co-writer Bob Gale as producers
Back in L.A., a harried Doc Brown jumps out of a DeLorean and says, “Get in the car!” Zemeckis and Gale say, “What? Does our musical suck?” Doc says, “Oh, no, no, no, your musical turns out fine. It’s Spider-Man! Something’s gotta be done about Turn Off the Dark 2!”

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