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Hit List: January 24, 2014

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1. Downton Abbey exec producer refutes rumors that season 5 will be the show’s last
He explained that Lady Mary needs at least three more seasons to kill off all the lovers they’ve planned for her.

2. Insane Clown Posse suing FBI for allegedly targeting its Juggalos fan base as a criminal gang
Fun fact: The FBI has also detained 23 million Beliebers in what it’s calling a “courtesy hold.”

3. Lindsay Lohan reality show to debut March 9 on OWN
Or, if you live near a club in a major metropolitan area, just look out your window any night from 1 to 4 a.m.

4. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo family ”really sore” after car accident
It would have been a lot worse if those bags of cheese puffs hadn’t deployed.

5. Reports that Gerard Butler will star in Point Break reboot draw negative reaction on Twitter
Vaya con Dios, audience goodwill.

6. Pamela Anderson reveals that she has remarried Paris Hilton sex-tape star Rick Salomon
Here’s a question: Should marriage-license applications for celebrities come with an essay requirement?

7. Vacation vets Chevy Chase and Beverly D’Angelo to reunite as spouses for ABC comedy
Not sure how confident Chase is about it — just before he signed on he was spotted outside ABC muttering, “This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…” while clapping his hands to psych himself up.

8. Pawn Stars‘ Chumlee drops 75 pounds
His trainer actually wanted him to lose 100, but Chumlee talked him down 25.

9. Surfer rescues Anne Hathaway from drowning off beach in Oahu
“Dammit! I needed this!” shouted an out-of-breath, wet-suited Butler, arriving seconds after the surfer heroically placed Hathaway on the sand.

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