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'The Bachelor' premiere: Dog Lover, Free Spirit, and other ambiguous 'job' titles

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What would you want your “occupation” chyron to say if you were on The Bachelor? (Just go with it.)

I’d be fine with “Beach Stroller,” “Cheese Whisperer,” or “TV Recapper,” all of which are true depending on the hour. If we’re going for every-second-of-every-day accuracy, though? “Bum.”

Here are the most creative job titles of The Bachelor: Juan Pabs premiere (read our full recap here):

Dog Lover

Andrew Lloyd Webber, American Idol, ...

WHO? WHO PAYS YOU TO LOVE DOGS?

Free Spirit

Ben Stein, Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed

From a Wealthy Neighborhood

Former NBA Dancer

Screen Shot 2014-01-07 at 12.29.08 AM

Goes to a Lot of Castings

Massage Therapist

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Nut!

No idea, but her bra isn’t as good as she is at her job, and she looks like Christine Taylor here.

Mineral Coordinator

If you say so….

We have confirmation from Hank.

Juan Pablo, 25, “Sports and Entertainment Consultant”/”Lifeguard”

Screen Shot 2014-01-06 at 11.58.45 PM

Sean Lowe, older man, “Therapist”

Read Kristen Baldwin’s hilarious recap of the premiere here!