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'Doctor Who's How The Dalek Stole Who'smas': An EW holiday mash-up

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How The Dalek Stole Whos Mas
Dalek: IAN DERRY for EW; Ron Batzdorff

Nobody wants to see the doctor on Christmas: it usually means you’ve either gone into hot cocoa-induced diabetic shock or have been impaled by an errant candy cane. But having a visit with “the Doctor” has become a venerable Yuletide tradition. In honor of the upcoming Doctor Who Christmas special—in which Matt Smith’s beloved Eleventh Doctor will regenerate through the magic of TV acting contracts into his latest incarnation, played by Peter Capaldi—we’ve whipped up a whimsical bit of poesy that combines the work of two of our favorite doctors without medical licenses. So without further ado, and with copious and appropriate apologies to Steven Moffat, Theodor Geisel, and you, the reader, we present…

Doctor Who’s How The Dalek Stole Who’smas

Every Who fan in Whoville liked Who’s-mas a lot

Except for perhaps a certain murderous robot

With spruces and gooses and red-and-green jelly

And a brand-new hour of Doctor Who on the telly

They drink till they’re punchy and they eat till they barf

Put up lights as colorful as Tom Baker’s scarf

And toast to good cheer with a bottle of Malbec

While up in the mountains stewed the crotchety Dalek

You see, the sight of such fun made the Dalek irate

Shake his stalk at the sky and shout “EXTERMINATE!”

No bright Who quite knew what made him hate it

Or why he’d want to exterminate it

Could be he was lonely, or had something to hide

Or that he was programmed for genocide

You can probably rule out that his heart was too small

It’s more likely because he had no heart at all

But as Reverend Who gave his Wholiday homily

There was yet another cardiacal anomaly

With double the hearts, and double the beatings

And double the love for this Season’s Greetings

The greatest holiday savior since Betty Crocker

Look, in the bowtie, why yes it’s the Doctor!

You think you know hard? You don’t know what hard is

Till you’ve tried your hand decorating a TARDIS

So many wreaths hung, tinsel strung, ribbons tied

To jazz up a police box that’s bigger inside

But the extra room really helps you to win big

If you’re planning on throwing a grand Who’smas shindig!

And that’s just what he did, and to all Whos in sight

He handed a copy of this Who’smas invite:

“I’ve got egg nog and pie and board games in case I’m,

Stuck for a while somewhere out in space-time.

So many features, it’d take my lifetime to list ’em

But the party’ll go great with the bitchin’ sound system

I’ve got a ton of sweet tunes, whatever era I’m in

And all instruments, not just theremin.

We’re gonna rock it all night, so plan to stay late

We’ll party so hard I’ll have to regenerate

But please, just remember, it’s BYOB

Psych! Come on, I’m the Doctor, the drinks are on me.”

You have to admit it, this bash sounded great

Hardly something you’d want to exterminate

But the Dalek, you see, he didn’t agree

For how he hated this man from Gallifrey

Shame and decorum, no he hadn’t had any

The last Time Lord? That’s one Time Lord too many!

How overly precious all that he says is

Timey-wimey, bananas, fish custard and fezzes

We get it already, you’re a goofy court jester

That abducts his companions like a child molester

A Who’smas party would be the perfect occasion

For a full-scale, take-no-prisoners Dalek invasion

(The Dalek denies his true motivation

Was that he’d received no invitation.)

The party was popping, with everyone showing

A Who’s Who of Whos who were all well worth knowing

And by the light of the control console softly glowing

Shakespeare was shaking and Vincent Van Goghing

The sound system was pumping, with the bass down low

As the Doctor played Twister with the Face of Boe

When suddenly, out of nowhere, someone crashed the gate

And over the music was heard “EXTERMINATE!”

The Dalek rolled in and shot down the tree

“That’s rude,” thought the Doctor. “He didn’t RSVP”

Then the Dalek started zapping his deadly death ray

Leaving Whos looking like what’s in an ashtray

Everyone began screaming, it all got quite loud

Until little Cindy-Lou Who stepped out from the crowd.

“Excuse me, Mr. Dalek,” she said, sweeter than sugar

“Will you please stop for a moment your massacre?

I just wanted to say, Merry Who’smas to you

And that I love you whatever you do,

I got you a present, it isn’t a lot.”

She said, holding a box for the killer robot

The Dalek paused, moved by the gift that she brought

And disintegrated her right there on the spot.

“Alright,” said the Doctor. “That’s enough, allons-y.”

“It’s time I put an end to this automaton’s spree.”

And quicker than lightning, he drew from his pocket

Something he pointed at the creature’s eye socket

“Oops, sorry, one moment, that’s a candy cane

I shouldn’t have had that last glass of champagne,

Especially not after that big gin and tonic—

Ah ha! Here it is, my screwdriver that’s sonic!

Nothing in this world can get you right back in a

Good mood like a little deus ex machina.”

He turned on the device and the whole room was humming

Something started changing in that Dalek’s plumbing

You see, all that was needed was a simple switch flipped

In order to change that robot’s whole script

The crowd stood there silent, wond’ring their fate

Would the Dalek still want to exterminate?

And after what seemed an unbearable wait

The Dalek spoke up, “LET’S CELEBRATE!”

And what do you know, he stuck to his word

Drinking until his voice software was slurred

He partied with them until about four

Then went back in time and partied some more

Till all of them ended passed out on the floor.

As a Ood in the corner started to snore,

The Doctor, he thought, “My, this soirée was clever…

I venture to say, ‘twas the best Who’smas ever.”

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