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Victoria's Secret 2013 Fashion Show recap: Taylor Swift wishes!

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I am just kidding about Taylor Swift — who could easily be a V.S. Angel if she dropped the mic, ruffled up some feathers, and listened a wee bit harder for the sound of a bell jingling on a passerby’s g-string.

Poof! Wings granted.

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In fact, the only Angel who seemed to truly dwarf Taylor Swift, especially during the “British Invasion” opening number, was this Sexy Butterfly on Drugs a.k.a. returning champion Karlie Kloss.

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Decking the runway in this year’s Victoria’s Secret Fantasy Bra, Candice Swanepoel struts as far away from Fall Out Boy  — who were singing “My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up),” — as possible. All her secrets, and body parts, had been laid out to bare. Fall Out Boy knew too much.

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Sure. Yes. Absolutely.

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Actually, most of these outfits are just “Sexy” versions of Halloween costumes, so keep them in mind as you shop for your next slutty disguise come October 2014.

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Sexy Veruca Salt?

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Sexy Speedracer

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Sex Toy Soldier of Thrones

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It just kills me that I never looked this sexy for soccer practice as a little girl.

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The special made a big deal of Lais Ribeiro’s triumphant return to the catwalk after breaking her ankle during last year’s rehearsals. She tearfully accepted the Angel Overlord’s offer to (gulp) open this year’s “Birds of Paradise” segment, set to Fall Out Boy’s “The Phoenix.” It’s the ultimate honor for any aspiring Angel, to walk out first in the celebrated all feathers/no pants motif.

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It momentarily bothers me that A Great Big World, who perform “Say Something” during the “Shipwrecked” segment, are not in costume. Or is “Clothed” a costume on this stage? Yeah, I guess it actually works.

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I can’t wait to buy these special edition invisible stockings for $22.95. Or this Sexy Childhood Blankie for just $169.99.

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Sexy Reminder: We should all be drinking more water.

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Then it’s onto “Parisian Nights,” set to Miley Cyrus’ “FU.” So just to be clear, the above visual is fine for network TV, but the letters ‘F’ and ‘U’ must be creatively bleeped out? I’m learning so much.

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And I thought Dancing With the Stars was being liberal with the definition of a skirt.

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Sexy Movember?

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Backstage, the models try to name as many social media platforms as possible and attempt to make “hashtag” hand gestures. How can something so remedial and awkward be so fascinating to watch? Whatever, models. Meanwhile, cool girl Cara DeLevingne metaphorically blows smoke in all the children’s faces and is like, “2.9 million Instagram followers, bitches!” Then Neon Jungle performs “Trouble” for the Pink segment, targeted at younger lingerie shoppers and other colorful emoticons.

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Ugh my God? #gmarksthespot

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This guy is like the Nick Fury of the Angels. They enter his magical fight club looking like [imagine a picture of yourself] and come out looking like….

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Not you.

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Adam Levine gives a dramatically triumphant fist pump as his fiancée Behati Prinsloo emerges from the Snow Angels holding cell. Taylor Swift is singing “I Knew You Were Trouble” (pictured up top), and if I’m being honest, I am TOTALLY INTO THIS. She seriously fits right in.

Noteworthy: Karlie Kloss would fit right into Ghostbusters as Kozer the Kozerian.

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Mmmm… calamari. Yup, still snacking ferociously. Haven’t let up. Drank about two sips of water. OH WELL.

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Isn’t life divine, when you’re hot?

Thanks for watching an hour-long commercial, everyone! Merry Consumerism!


Victoria’s Secret

All images: CBS.