Dan Snierson
November 15, 2013 AT 05:00 AM EST

1. In 2015, Lady Gaga to be first pop star to sing in space
[Radio transmission voice] Attention, alien life-forms… We come in peace… We are returning one of your creatures to you. Plus the egg. Seriously, what the [static] is the deal with that? Our scientists have worked around the clock for almost five years and cannot crack it…

2. Sofia Vergara named spokesperson for Head & Shoulders
Were you expecting her to aim a little lower?

3. Robertson family releases line of Duck Dynasty wines
While the Wood Duck chardonnay boasts a wonderful oaky-floral bouquet, the Triple Threat Red Blend is overwhelmed by the hot-sauce and tobacco-juice accents.

4. Heidi Montag, who had 10 procedures during one plastic surgery, undergoes breast reduction from F cup size to C
Alas, doctors were unable to reverse her 2010 album, Superficial, or her 2009 stint on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!

5. Blockbuster to close remaining stores
So if you see a guy in a blue polo shirt and khakis wandering the streets looking for work, please direct him to the nearest Best Buy.

6. Lost actor Doug Hutchison, 53, and Courtney Stodden, 19, split after two and a half years of marriage
But they seemed so creepy together!

7. Justin Bieber walks off stage mid-concert in Buenos Aires, blames food poisoning
Always have to check the expiration date on those Lunchables, Biebs.

8. Liam Hemsworth discusses playing a prostitute on TV when he was 18
Whereas ex-fiancée Miley Cyrus had the decency to wait the extra two years.

9. Las Vegas man tries to sell his testicle for medical trial on TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates
Man, why didn’t someone tell me this was going to be on? I would’ve given my left nut to watch this!

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