The internet briefly went crazy a few weeks ago over 300 Sandwiches, the blog/cry for help written by a woman whose boyfriend promised her an engagement ring if she could only make him 300 sandwiches — precisely the kind of romantic-comedy behavior that seems somewhat unseemly when it becomes real-life behavior. But now we’ll be able to ponder the romantic implications of the Pumpkin Biscuit, Bacon, and Scrambled Egg Sandwich beyond the world of inadvertently hilarious blogs. The New York Post reports that Stephanie Smith — the author of 300 Sandwiches and coincidentally a writer for the Post — now has a book deal, because this is still America, and if you can’t get a husband then at least you can get a book deal, amiright, ladies?
Of course, this could — nay should — be just the tip of the iceberg. (Lettuce.) After all, the vaguely similar ticking-clock-romance website 40 Days of Dating is getting its own movie. And how many sandwiches did they even eat in their 40 days of dating? Not 300, that’s for sure. This could be a whole franchise. This could be a whole linked series of franchises. Below, our 10 humble suggestions for movies derived from the über-popular 300 Sandwiches brand:
300 Sandwiches: Start simple. It’s a romantic comedy about a hardworking professional who is so focused on her career that she never learned how to cook. She’s in a long-term relationship with a handsome hipster lothario who doesn’t think he can commit to just one woman. They make a bet: She’ll cook 300 sandwiches and he’ll put a ring on it. Shenanigans ensue when her sandwiches become so popular that she opens a food truck. Stars Paula Patton and Alexander Skarsgard.
300 Sandwiches, One Day: Screw simple. Let’s Love Actually this. On the hottest day of the year in New York City, a popular sandwich shop in the Upper West Side announces a hunt for the perfect sandwich. Various will-they-or-won’t-they-probably-they-will couples converge, played by a cast of beloved actors gracefully accepting paychecks, in a panoramic film about finding love between the slices. Directed by Garry Marshall.
Our Life in 300 Sandwiches: In this tearjerking romantic drama, an elderly couple looks back on their life and wild love affair, every sequence of which somehow revolves around sandwiches. There’s a time-travel twist and Rachel McAdams is involved, probably.
300 Sandwiches is a Dish Best Sliced Cold: Think Fatal Attraction meets Julie & Julia. An unhinged interior decorator becomes obsessed with a handsome young chef, and when he bluntly jokes that he’ll never marry her unless she makes him 300 sandwiches, her obsessions spirals into madness and culinary exploration. Sharon Stone cameos as the seen-it-all sous-chef who knows that there’s nothing more dangerous than a woman with a bread-knife.
300 Sandwitches: Witches are hot right now, right?
300 Sandwiches: Recipe for Disaster: Crusading private investigator Stephanie Stone (Kerry Washington) races against the microwave clock when a radical hacktivest-turned-criminal kingpin (Benedict Cumberbatch) announces that 300 poisoned sandwiches have been released into the Los Angeles food truck subculture…and if she tells the authorities, he’ll blow them all up. That’s right: The poisoned sandwiches also contain explosives!
Stephanie Sandwich and the Book of Heroes: A sassy teenager’s life gets turned upside-down when her mother marries a mysterious and handsome European millionaire. Inside her stepfather’s castle, young Stephanie (Lily Collins, why not) discovers a dogeared cookbook containing 300 sandwich recipes. Every time she makes a sandwich, she develops a strange new superpower. But the true mystery behind the myth of the Book of Heroes will drive her to the edge of the world…and beyond. (Part 1 of a possible seven-part trilogy.)
300 Shades of Sandwich: It’s just Fifty Shades of Grey with the names changed, and also sometimes they end sentences with “…like a sandwich.”
300: Battle of the Sandwich: The Frank Miller Spartan franchise departs even further from recorded history in this sidequel that dares to suggest that Leonidas survived the battle at Thermopylae only to be forced into simultaneous warfare with the Persians and the Mongols, which means his army is sandwiched between them, like a sandwich. Rated R for extreme violence and sandwiches.
The Legend of Sandwiches: 300 Slices: Actually, let’s make it a videogame. In this indie-game sensation, you play as Double S, a woman fighting her way through 300 levels of goblins and cyborgs with nothing but her carving knife. She needs to find 300 sandwiches in order to free her love from purgatory. But the big twist is that her love is actually using her, and the “sandwiches” she thought she was finding were actually weapons, and in the end, she has to fight the man she loves to save the world and herself. Pretentious critics everywhere praise Legend of the Sandwiches as “a landmark work in the history of the interactive medium,” while non-pretentious critics call it “boring” and give it a withering A- Metacritic score.