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'Friday' hitmaker and Alison Gold reunite for 'ABCDEFG'

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Abcdefg Video

Are you an entitled millennial who never learned to read good? (Are you making your overprotective helicopter dad read this post to you right now?) If so, Internet “hitmaker” Patrice Wilson has just the “song” for you.

In “Friday,” he taught you the days of the week. In “It’s Thanksgiving,” he taught you that there is a holiday called Thanksgiving. And now, with this latest purposefully terrible wannabe viral music video, he’ll teach you something even more basic: The letters of the alphabet. Or at least everything before “Q.”

The new song’s title, no joke, is just “ABCDEFG.” (Somehow, I feel like we should give props to Patrice for managing to get the order right.) It’s sung by Alison Gold of questionable “Chinese Food” fame, and its faux-inspirational nonsense lyrics make “Friday” sound like Faulkner. Seriously, don’t play this song for anyone hoping to learn English; it’ll only confuse them.

Also, the video features Wilson peering into 11-year-old Alison’s bedroom window, and the tween confusedly flipping through an ancient paperback dictionary before getting into a strange van that has just pulled up outside her front door, which takes her to a club where she drinks a glass of punch that Patrice Wilson has drugged. With “Puppet Potion.” Also, at one point, she sings solfège syllables without tying them to any recognizable diatonic scale, which is super confusing.

I guess you can watch it if you really want:

Seriously, you have to read these lyrics to believe them. I spent about as much time transcribing them as Wilson did writing them. If you can make out the few bits I had trouble understanding, then by all means post your guesses in the comments.

A stands for Anything you wanna have

B comes when you believe, believe

C will come when you take a Chance

D falls in line when you open up the Door

I want to take it step by step

The way we do it is my best

The way we try to fit the rest

Uh, never can can pass this test

Mama (?) some stressed

Press, always try to impress the best

When you feel the pain in your chest

You know you just passed the test

This feeling is like ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh

If you just see

ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh, if you just see

Heading to the party

Thinking to myself

All these mixed emotions

Now I need some help

It’s hard to focus, but I gotta take a chance

I need somebody to help me through

All these feelings that I’m dealing with

These feelings that I can’t resist

These feelings that I need

Need a friend by my side

Do-re-me-so-la-te-do

I want to take it step by step

The way we do it is my best

The way we try to fit the rest

Uh, never can can pass this test

Mama (?) some stressed

Press, always try to impress the best

When you feel the pain in your chest

You know you just passed the test

This feeling is like ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh

If you just see

ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh, if you just see

And you take it slow

This is the way you grow your fro

(Grow your fro)

Can’t say no

Cause you are think you are grown

Woah, she’s going to tell you no

This is so getting crazy

I think she’ll call you maybe

But you might just be shady

Can’t mess with [little red daisy?]

This feeling is like ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh

Ooh, ooh

If you just see

ABCDEFG

HIJKLMNOP

You got me thinking I will be on a one-way spree

Ooh, ooh, don’t you wanna see

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