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There Should Be a Sequel: 'Mystery Men'

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Mystery Men
Everett Collection

Every week, EW will imagine a sequel to a movie that we wish would happen ā€” no matter how unlikely the idea really is.

Mystery Men is one of those movies that you either really love or you really loathe. For me, it’s the former. The hilarious, over-the-top, ridiculous, so-stupid-it’s-funny comedy revolves around Champion City and the not-so-super superheroes that walk its streets. You see, when Greg Kinnear’s Captain Amazing finds himself out of worthy adversaries, he uses his billionaire alter ego to try and get the city’s biggest villain, Casanova Frankenstein (Geoffrey Rush) released from the insane asylum he once worked so hard to put him in. Long story short, Frankenstein reunites with Tony P and the Disco Boys to blow up the insane asylum and kidnap Captain Amazing. He then starts his plan to use a reality-bending “Psycho-frakulator” on the rest of the city.

However, the superhero threesome of Mr. Furious (Ben Stiller), Shoveler (William H. Macy), and The Blue Raja (Hank Azaria) decide it’s up to them to rescue Amazing and save the city, so they begin assembling a team. Joining them is Spleen (Paul Reubens), Invisible Boy (Kel Mitchell), and The Bowler (Janeane Garofalo). The team then enlists Sphinx (Wes Studi) and mad scientist Dr. Heller (Tom Waits) to prepare them for battle. They somehow end up saving the day. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that this movie unites Kel Mitchell (of Kenan & Kel fame) with the likes of Hank Azaria and Geoffrey Rush. Does it get any better? See for yourself in the film’s 1999 trailer below:

So what would be the story behind the sequel? Considering Rush’s Frankenstein died at the end of the first film, we’d need a new villain. I’m thinking either Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Langella or Christopher Plummer should play the evil mastermind. What’s a name that sounds as menacing as Frankenstein? Godzilla? Sure, we’ll go with Dr. Godzilla. Well, when Dr. Godzilla decides he wants to rid the world of the human race — he doesn’t consider himself human because he has a tail — the Mystery Men have to find a way to stop him, which won’t be easy, because Godzilla is known to have the best bodyguard in the business, the Man of Steel. He’s not actually Superman; that’s just what they call him. He will either be played by Sylvester Stallone or Liam Neeson. You decide!

The Mystery Men also recruit some young talent for their mission. Joining the team is Mr. Parkour (obviously played by Max Greenfield) and The Hair Flipper (Anna Kendrick). And, of course, Captain Amazing returns — back from the dead! — to fight alongside the MM in an epic battle royale. By the end of the fight, sadly, the Mystery Men lose Spleen (he falls off his platforms into a fire pit), but, they come out victorious. Godzilla, who after losing his tail in battle realized that he was human after all, fell to his death (somewhat willingly), and the Man of Steel gave up his life of crime to host a morning show with Kelly Ripa.

As for the Mystery Men? They’re laying low as their alter egos until the next bad guy tries to harm those they love and/or the entire human race.

What do you think, PopWatchers? Would you sit through this sequel with me?

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