Don’t make Dome angry. You wouldn’t like Dome when he’s angry. Because the madder Dome gets, the stronger Dome gets. That was the implicit message of last night’s Under the Dome, which saw your friendly neighborhood Dome conjure up a cyclone of terror when the citizens of Chester’s Mill stopped following the Dome’s orders. I’m beginning to suspect that the Dome’s main problem is that it just wants to be loved, but it can’t express itself properly. It was raised in a dysfunctional household, with an emotionally distant Papa Dome and a Mama Dome who started the day off with a screwdriver and a couple grams of Percocet. The Dome never learned how to communicate properly, which is why it only talks to the citizens of Chester’s Mill using hallucination phantoms and bizarre epigrams. Still, on last night’s episode, the Dome managed to give a pretty clear picture of what it wanted: Blood. Forthwith, the five most important things the Dome did on last night’s Under the Dome:
1. The Wind Done Gone: Junior decided he wanted out of the Pink Stars Alliance because Angie wouldn’t get back together with him. She’s still so upset about that whole kidnapped-you-and-kept-you-locked-up-in-a-subterranean-bunker. Yeesh, women, amiright? Anyhow, Junior leaving immediately caused the Dome to conjure up a gigantic storm. But then Junior said he would come back, and the storm stopped.
2. Et Tu, Junior? Then Fall, Big Jim!: The kids mapped out the constellation of pink stars and figured out that there were four extra stars, which yadda yadda yadda led them to a corner of the Dome. They put their hands on the Dome, and saw a vision of Big Jim, covered in blood, with stab wounds all over his torso. And in the vision, they were holding knives. Angie took several deductive leaps and decided that this means the Dome will leave if they all kill Big Jim. Junior was not happy about this. Has Junior ever really been happy? What is happiness? What is joy? Dome.
3. The End of Max: My favorite character arc of any TV character this summer is definitely the sad story of Maxine Seagrave, a sociopathic madwoman whose hobbies include starting fight clubs, shooting people in the least fatal way possible, and being angrily in love. Max was walking along the seashore last night, imagining her happy life as the Queen of the Chester’s Mill Fisticuffs Association, with Barbie as her Slave Leia and Big Jim as her Salacious Crumb. “Say, what’s that thing in the water?” Max said to the wind. “I sure hope that’s not my mother, who was a really important character for the five minutes that she was alive on this show!” Alas, it was her mother. Max decided it was time to kill Big Jim. But she didn’t want to kill Barbie. “You and me are meant to be together!” she said. “You shot my girlfriend!” said Barbie. “I don’t handle jealousy well!” Max admitted. “Hey, um, listen, you’re really cute, but I think we should see other people,” said Barbie. It was kind of like every episode of Sex and the City, except with worse dialogue and less gunshots. Anyhow, Barbie got the drop on Max, and Big Jim shot everybody.
4. Special Limited Edition Fugitive Barbie: Big Jim blamed basically every bad thing that has ever happened in Chester’s Mill on Barbie and sent our hero racing through the woods. But that was arguably the least crazy thing to happen to Ol’ Dale this week, because…
5. Super Limited Edition Monarch Barbie: Because Barbie saved Julia and then the storm stopped, Joe decided that Barbie is probably the Monarch who is going to save everyone. This makes exactly as much sense as everything that has ever happened on Under the Dome.