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'Below Deck' season finale: Adrienne Gone Wild

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I watched every episode of Bravo’s Below Deck this summer and all I have to show for it is a pretty intense crush on Chef Ben Robinson and a cluster of nightmares about that one terrible summer when I was a terrible, terrible waitress. Plus this blog item, I guess. Life could not be more meaningless. Time to jump off board!

This week’s finale promos kept promising high seas drama for chief stew Adrienne Gang (pictured), but all she ended up doing was getting drunk with a bunch of lesbians, not totally embarrassing herself (minus the ’90s dance moves and odd formalwear), and generally having a blast. How dare she!

FINALLY, a decent charter (tip-wise and caliber-of-rich-person-wise). Those ladies did exactly what I would on a boat: Guzzle booze and jump into the sea. Even their provision lists were delightful:

Ralph Fiennes, Sunshine

Go for it, Bev!

The dog’s provisions list, not so much. But that’s the wealthy for you. At least Chef Ben had the right attitude as he bore down for two days of sautéing filet mignon for a canine. “They just hold this dog in such great value….” he drawled — not a care in the world, it always seems. “I just put humans first.”

Poor Eddie had to be led around by Compass on a sad sports field, waiting for him to crap. I loved how “Go poo-poo” had to travel across at least three chains of command (including the pouty-pops Captain) in order to make its way to Eddie. He surely deserved that promotion. Eddie’s now the bosun of the Santa Maria, mateys. Swanky!

Meanwhile, blah blah blah, Sam and CJ had to decide whether to stay on deck with docked pay or just leave, following last week’s “let’s disobey the rules of our job because we’re on TV” dip ‘n’ drink. CJ just up and left. He was just like “Nope! Over it!” and set sail with some random dudes on a catamaran (even though it seemed like they’d only invited Sam?) headed for Newport, Rhode Island. Or HELL. The equator, maybe! We have no idea!

“He’s just kind of a drifter, you know?” Sam stood up for CJ, briefly, before evading a final kiss goodbye from her bunkmate.

I much preferred Chef Ben’s sendoff for CJ: “You’re on Facebook, right?”

“Yeah, for sure.”

So that’s settled.

What else? Aleks revoked Sam’s punishment after she’d decided to stay, which was completely absurd but I guess made sense in terms of keeping everyone away from each other’s throats for the weekend. “Aleks just essentially cock-slapped Adrienne in the face,” explained a gleeful Sam. Such a way with words, that one.

Of course the promos made it seem like this was the point where Adrienne FLEW OFF THE HANDLE, but after some healthy disgusted eye rolls, the rest of the episode was mostly just Adrienne wiggling her butt around in a really gay way. Ho hum, right? We are on Bravo, after all. This is normal.

“Is my mascara where it should be?” wondered one of the guests.

Okay, this was racy of Adrienne. I’ll give her that.

Oh, and Kat-mess sort of atoned for her drunken escapades by apologizing to Adrienne and then ironing a dress in front of Captain Lee as he vaguely complimented her — for not being drunk right at that time, basically.

My friends, I give you….the real meat of the episode.

Aleks… and Ben.

Now we’re cookin’.

Oh and in case anyone was wondering….

Plus, the biggest revelation of all: Chef Ben moved on to work on a “megayacht” (!) and took online courses in vegan cooking. Ha! Must’ve been all those green juice requests.

Should Dave and Trevor have A Very Bravo Wedding on board some other boat (assuming the Honor has burst into flames post-reality show) for three hours? Did CJ get lost at sea? Why was Sam even on the boat in the first place? Discuss!