”This is the secret strategy that my 400-strong team of agents and I came up with during a meeting inside an office shaped like a glass volcano shortly before I took over from Jon Stewart:
1. Don’t Be Terrible.
We thought it would be a great strategy if I tried not to be terrible at hosting The Daily Show. I think it was a good plan, though it’s been tricky to stick to.
2. Return It To Jon Stewart In One Piece.
Single-handedly destroying one of the most beloved shows on television didn’t seem to be a great first step to Hollywood domination.
3. When Jon Stewart Returns, Get Myself Cast As The Lead In Fast & Furious 7.
I think what that popular movie franchise needs to take it to the next level is a bespectacled British man with a very low muscle mass. I can only ride a bicycle, but I’ll pedal it really fast. And also furiously.
4. After The Inevitable Box Office Success, Go Off The Rails And Develop A Debilitating Substance-Abuse Habit.
The idea is that this spectacular personal meltdown should get the celebrity magazines and websites interested as my life and career publicly fall apart.
5. Beg Jon Stewart For My Old Job Back.”