Another week, another family to destroy! Just kidding, well kind of not kidding. Tonight’s episode was all about the aftermath of a brief fight between the two Joes (G. and G) and the family’s attempt to stitch themselves back together — wait, wasn’t this the premise of seasons three and four? Oh, well. Surprisingly, though, the families managed to have some sort of breakthrough so let’s get to it:
— The two Joes charge towards each other like bulls. Small, juicy-legged bulls.
— When the infamous fight breaks out, Melissa and the gang run to break them up while Teresa runs away to “Call the cops.” OK, Teresa. And then she said she went and got help and Melissa didn’t do enough to break them apart. Wow, Melissa can’t do anything right. First she doesn’t get the family together, next she steals everything you do and now she doesn’t know how to adequately break up a fight between two grown men! Richie sucked at it too! If only everyone could be you, Teresa!
— What is this black stuff all over them? Is it tar? Is it shoe polish? Is it Melissa’s make-up? Who cares?
Steven and Stephanie come back and try to help. DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT JUST HAPPENED? Run while you can!
— Joe Giudice trying to comfort Teresa and their bubble bath. Did they really need to have room service deliver the champagne while they were in the bath? The two looked like the world’s most awkward couple. And Teresa, taking a bath in full make-up and diamonds cannot be relaxing.
— Teresa’s hair has taken a turn for the worse. That hairline is out of control.
— Describing a rumor about cheating “yucky.” How about damaging? Inflammatory?
Things that make me sad
— Melissa, after the fight: “I just never want to look at these people again for the rest of my life.” So maybe you should stop starring on a reality show with them? Then you wouldn’t have to see them all the time?
— Joe Gorga accuses Joe Giudice of breaking up the family. Cue package with all of Giudice’s mistakes (supposed cheating, supposed fraud, he might go away for ten years, etc.)
— Teresa, at the end of her rope: “I want to know what did I do.” Everything, Teresa. Absolutely everything.
— Teresa, again: “I don’t know if my brother knows the meaning of family.” TERESA, REALLY?
— Joe collapsing into tears. I. can’t.
— Melissa couldn’t leave Joe alone with his sister. Sure, she’s being a little too protective, but can you blame her? Teresa thinks that makes Melissa a psychopath.
— Joe Gorga actually saying the words “I hate her.” And with meaning. Man, oh man.
— Joe Giudice telling Teresa he’s going to take out his frustration on her sexually. Can’t. Erase. That. Image.
— Teresa’s motto: “That’s not my fault.” Learn another sentence, please.
— Teresa’s cry. Sounds like a bird is getting slowly strangled.
— Joe Gorga can’t even go talk to his parents about the situation since they’re on “Teresa’s side.” Now parents are choosing favorites? Ouch.
Wait? Did that make sense?
— Kathy was worried about her nose job during the fight.
— Richie cracks the whip and manages to calm Teresa-saur down enough to go ask for peace. He also realized that he has the whole gang together and by making sure no one leaves, maybe something can get solved.
— Rosie thinking that maybe things could only get better from here. Because you can always rebuild after an explosion. Let’s hope.
— Teresa calling Caroline for help. At first, I couldn’t help but think that Caroline does not need to be around that crowd. Then again, maybe they need a little feisty mother to make sure they don’t get out of control again. As Caroline said, ‘Teresa does not ask for help, Teresa wants to fix it all herself. For her to call me, it’s heavy, it’s bad, she’s scared.” Then again, Teresa blames Caroline for always getting involved. Maybe don’t involve her if you don’t want her involved? That makes things a bit easier. Melissa notes how embarrassing it is that other people have to help with their problems. Well, you seem to be doing such a good job.
— Melissa realizing that they should go home. Sure, it’s the smart thing to do. But then the episode would be over! So Joe said that they would stay.
— Hi Dr. V! Just because this shrink is blonde doesn’t mean she’s not Italian — check downstairs (ew). Teresa likes her because she likes pretty people. So I guess she doesn’t really like herself or her husband. It looks like Dr. V is actually able to knock some sense into Teresa, maybe because she’s Italian AND pretty, double perfection! “At some point you have to say, what the f is wrong with me!” And in a few short minutes, she managed to dig deep enough to understand the fact that Teresa is obsessed with protecting her brother — even if it means breaking up his marriage. And she curses while wearing age and job-inappropriate short dresses. You go, Dr. V. Can you please be the entire show? Never, ever leave.
— Dr. V tells everyone that nothing is going to be solved if you keep on blaming one person. Teresa blames Melissa, Joe blames Joe. I blame myself for still watching.
Next week: Who knows? More yelling? More crying? What did you guys think? Does anyone else love Dr. V’s insights? Is it good or bad that Caroline is there? And when will Joe Giudice stop being gross?