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Hit List: July 26, 2013

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1. Charlie Sheen flies to Scotland in private jet to hunt down Loch Ness monster
Hold on, doing some quick math on this…okay, got it! That’s more bonkers than living with a trio of goddesses, but not as bonkers as waving a machete from a rooftop while paparazzi take your photo.

2. Carly Rae Jepsen horrifically botches first pitch at Rays game
Call her maybe…uncoordinated.

3. Justin Bieber calls Bill Clinton to apologize for squirting cleaning fluid on his photo and saying, ”F— Bill Clinton!”
”Bill! Putin is on line 1, the prime minister of Kuwait is on line 2, and some teenage girl named Swaggy is on line 3?” yelled Hillary down the hall while cupping her hand over the receiver.

4. Adam Sandler pounced on by cheetah on African safari
”Don’t even think about Grown Ups 3,” whispered the cheetah in Sandler’s ear as the trainers pulled him off.

5. Police arrest man holding sign at Taylor Swift concert that says ”Taylor is with Satan”
”Give it a few days? she’ll move on,” the cops told the man while leading him away.

6. Zach Braff helps man propose to girlfriend in viral video
Sure, Zach, you help him, but when I asked you to pretend to perform the Heimlich on my girlfriend when she was choking and then say, ”JK! I’m not really a doctor!” you just ignored me and called 911 like a real show-off hero.

7. Gene Simmons to record duet with Engelbert Humperdinck
Trust me, if only this were 1983, you’d be shaking your head — not scratching it.

8. Jenny McCarthy replaces departing Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View
It’s kinda like the Raiders of the Lost Ark scene where Indiana Jones tries to replace the idol with a similarly weighted sack of sand. You’re swapping very precise amounts of blowhard blonde here.

9. Drake lists his Toronto condo for $4.2 million
Real estate agents are calling it ”a hip-hop lair” and ”contempo-chic,” while Amanda Bynes is calling it ”ugly.”

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