Best Soul Train Redux
Bruno Mars’ Moonshine Jungle Tour (through Aug. 30)
Ballads, schmallads; Mars’ live show — backed by a supertight eight-man live band in matching maraschino-cherry suits — is a disco-funk inferno. (Also: Prepare for the awesomest co-opting of Ginuwine’s ”Pony” since Magic Mike.)
Best Dance Album Teleported From 1979
Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories
The French robots’ retro masterpiece whisked us away to disco’s salad days, back when salads didn’t have all that pesky kale in them.
Best Dance Album Teleported From 1995
Zero amounts of dubstep wubba-wubba or Skrillex-y squiggles — just perfect old-school house music.
Thanks For The Mammaries Award
Robin Thicke’s ”Blurred Lines” video
They’re real, and they’re spectacular.
Thanks For The Mammaries Award (Art-School Edition
Justin Timberlake’s ”Tunnel Vision” video
JT totally isn’t in it for the jiggle, okay? This is art. He puts his naked ladies in a dark room, projects a light show on them, and adds some smoke and shadows. Voilà! Les boobies.
Worst Appropriation of the Word Smurf
Right Said Fred’s ”I’m Too Smurfy” from the Smurfs 2 soundtrack
Seriously, guys? You just blue yourselves.
Best Mariah Carey Single
Ariana Grande feat. Mac Miller, ”The Way”
Who knew that a Nickelodeon star who wasn’t even born when Carey’s first two albums came out would make the hookiest classic-Mimi jam of the season?
Second-Best Mariah Carey Single
Mariah Carey feat. Miguel, ”#Beautiful”
This retro-soul throwback hardly sounds like Mariah at all — but it’s also approximately 9,857 times better than her previous single, the inaccurately titled ”Triumphant (Get ‘Em),” so we’re happy.
Best Non-Macklemore Gay-Marriage Anthem
The Lonely Island’s ”Spring Break Anthem”
Andy Samberg & Co. understand what spring break is all about: getting wasted, banging chicks, and celebrating the right of two men who truly cherish and respect each other to have their love legally recognized by the highest court in the land.
Best Nostalgia Tour if You Wore a Bowling Shirt in the ’90s
Under the Sun Tour feat. Sugar Ray, Smash Mouth, Gin Blossoms, Vertical Horizon, and Fastball
Strap on your chain wallet, grab a sixer of Zima, and Rollerblade to the coolest tour of the summer!
Best Nostalgia Tour if You Wore a Training Bra in the ’90s
The Package Tour feat. New Kids on the Block, Boyz II Men, and 98 Degrees
Because nothing warms our little Trapper Keeper hearts like an evening of grown men singing four-and five-part harmonies about hangin’ tough and begging you on bended knees.
Worst Summer Vacation
Lauryn Hill’s three-month prison sentence
Apparently her Miseducation included a special course in tax law.
The Commercial Ubiquity Award
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ ”Can’t Hold Us”
Already selling Microsoft Outlook, the NBA playoffs, Miller beer, and the movie R.I.P.D. Up next: bail bonds!
Awesomest Thing Kanye West’s Yeezy Hath Wrought
Leonardo DiCaprio dancing to ”Black Skinhead” in the Wolf of Wall Street trailer
So perfect. It’s the GIF that keeps on giving.
Best Appropriation of What It Would Be Like to Take Six NoDOZ and Run Through an FAO Schwarz
Miley Cyrus’ ”We Can’t Stop” video
And We. Can’t. Stop.
Most Populist Summer Jam
Florida Georgia Line feat. Nelly, ”Cruise”
So full of bikinis and Chevys and back-road good times, Kid Rock can’t believe he didn’t write it.
Summer Jan Strictly For The 1 Percent
Jay-Z’s ”Picasso Baby”
Hova has two Bugattis, gold ceilings, and a Basquiat in the kitchen. You have a bus pass, dry rot, and a 2010 Monet wall calendar from your mom. Congratulations! You lose.