Showtime’s Ray Donovan is premiering tonight at 10 p.m. Liev Schreiber’s eponymous character is a “fixer” — I know, I know another one? But in this age of modern technology, a fixer has become more important than ever. You can’t erase your reputation when it’s living on the internet forever.
In honor of Ray Donovan, we’ve put together a list of the best fixers across the country in case you are in need of their services. Whether you’re a bratty child planning a bat mitzvah or someone accused of murdering your beard, we’ve got just the right fixer for you.
6. Sidney Falco, Sweet Smell of Success (1957). Want to be featured in J.J. Hunsecker’s nationally syndicated column? Well, it might take a while since he won’t listen to me for some reason. But you know what? I have this favor lined up for him and it’ll all blow over after that and boom — you’re mentioned in the column and services completed! Speaking of favors, if you ever need someone to break up a relationship between your little sister and some musician or slip drugs into someone’s pocket, then I’m your man! Sure, I’ll be conflicted about it, but I’ll probably still do it. Anything for J.J.
5. Billy Flynn, Chicago (2002). Murdered your husband, maybe a sister or a lover or two and find yourself in Chicago’s Cook County Jail? Have no fear, Billy Flynn is here! I’m here to not only save your image and reputation — but also your life. You might just think that I’m some rich defense attorney who parties until the sun goes up but you’d be wrong. I transform jilted murdering wives into angels, sister killers into media sensations. Now, my services are limited so you will have to pay me extensively. And if I get a little distracted with another client during your trial, just fake a pregnancy to get back my attention and we’ll focus on that razzle-dazzle.
4. Tony Blair, The Queen (2006). Since I’m the prime minister, I should probably be focused on lawmaking, diplomatic relations with other countries and improving my country’s dental hygiene. But in case you’re the Queen of England, I will gladly offer my “fixer” services to you. Your ex-daughter-in-law died and the world thinks you’re a bit of a cold one? I can help with that, just make sure to actually listen to me the first time around. You’re technically the queen, but I’m the prime minister. I was voted to this role and didn’t inherit it, I know my way around a PR scandal or two. Please, just take my advice so that I can actually start doing my job.
3. Samantha Jones, Sex and the City (1998-2004). To be clear, I don’t really dabble in politics or huge scandals. I’m more of a fan of the typical billionaire, bat mitzvah, and much younger hot dude. If you need someone to make you a star, then I’m your gal. I can pluck you out of obscurity upon first viewing of your, ahem, talent and turn you into the biggest star in Hollywood — one who works with both Gus Van Sant and in the big-budget features. If you want to hire me, make sure you roll out the big bucks. And if I try to sleep with you, you better be a good lay. P.S. If your name is Richard, you need not apply.
2. Michael Clayton, Michael Clayton (2007). Do you find that too many fixers are happy, glamorous, painted in a sea of colors? If you need someone a tad more morose who can escape car bombs and take down corporations, then I’m the one for you — all in mute gray palettes. On the outside, I might look like a Sexiest Man Alive, but on the inside I’m a smart man driven by the need to do whatever it takes for my client. Unless I turn my back on my client because it turns out they were cray-cray. In any case, I’m going to win. You know why? Because I’m George Clooney.
And the winner is …
1. Olivia Pope, Scandal (2012-present). I’m the best. Do I need to say any more? I’m good at my job and have quite the collection of elbow-length gloves, enough to make you realize just how much cooler I am than you. Sometimes, my attention might wander to my ongoing affair with the president of the United States. Sometimes, I might think about an uh-oh I helped organize in Defiance, Ohio. Sometimes, I’ll say that I haven’t slept or eaten or showered and yet still look like I stepped out of a Saks Fifth Avenue catalog. Just go with it. I save those involved in prostitution scandals, kidnapping rings, and mistresses who blackmail. And yes, I will move a body if I need to. For some reason, my team follows me for no matter what in what could be described as a very unhealthy matter. If you need my services, come on down to my über-cool D.C. office with exposed brick and glass. Then, I will stare into your eyes to see if you’re lying or not. I don’t take liars. I’ll take murderers — but I won’t take liars. Cool, you’re not lying, you’re my new client, let’s get started! Wait, sorry, Fitz is calling, gotta run, Harrison you’re in charge.