Last night’s Watch What Happens: Live featured Andy Cohen interviewing one of his idols, Cher. This late-night show is definitely geared towards a certain audience — if you have an aversion to trivia games played by reality stars living in Bravoland and constant mentions of drinking, then this isn’t the show for you.
Yet there’s a certain charm to it, mostly due to Andy’s sheer excitement over everything in the world. Even when he’s mentioning things like the “Jackhole of the Day,” he says it nearly bouncing out of his seat and with such a smile that it looks like it’s going to fall off of his face. It’s like he downs six espressos, three 5-Hour Energies, and several glasses of bubbly before every show.
So if he’s like that normally, how do you think he reacted when singer-actress-inspiration Cher appeared on WWHL last night? Let’s just say excitement is an understatement. At several points throughout the episode, I thought that Andy was going to start crying — I’ve never seen a grown man so thrilled in my life. Homeboy had some high expectations though: Cher was his idol growing up, even affectionately telling her how he used to sit transfixed in front of the TV watching her and her elaborate outfits: “You gave me life, you gave me hope, you gave me fairy dust.”
After seeing Andy welcome the audience to “Cher-mageddon” and asking everyone to join him in “Cheradise” (complete with rainbow graphics), I prayed that the legend would deliver. There’s nothing like meeting your idol and him/ her turning out to be nothing like your image of them.
Thankfully, Cher met those expectations … And more. In 30 short minutes, the songstress manage to show the world just how cool she is. Sure she can somehow pull off outfits with more feathers than an actual bird, but underneath all of the sequins and the headdresses, there’s someone who can deadpan like a pro.
The theme of the night was “I love Cher.” Andy barely started a sentence without talking about how much of a legend, idol, icon she was. Every caller said “I love you,” even the bartender gave a small speech in her honor. She divulged much last night, with topics ranging from horses to right-wing senators. Apparently Andy isn’t the only one who worships at her altar. I’ve listed her best moments Commandment-style, just in case anyone wants to join Genesis — the repeat caller who is not an exotic dancer, but will be one if Andy wants; Andy; the quiet bartender; all of West Hollywood and most of the world in following the Gospel of Cher:
1.) Thou shalt not have a favorite lover. When asked, Cher couldn’t choose her favorite lover. But Tom Cruise is in the top 5. And according to Cher, her list of lovers is one to be admired : “It’s not a long list, just a good list.” Quality over quantity everyday.
2.) Thou shalt not have any Twitter rules and tweet freely. Extremely freely. Tell men that they need penile implants, calling people b–ches — Cher gets sassy.
3.) Thou shalt not wear boring clothes. Stripes. Head to toe. Only Cher.
4.) Thou shalt not discriminate in the act of love. When asked if she ever had a lesbian lover, Cher casually replied: “Who hasn’t?”
5.) Honor thy mother. Wait, Lady Gaga and Cher recorded a song together? And Gaga doesn’t like it? And Cher doesn’t care? And she listens to it all the time because she likes it and thinks that it’s a great song? GAGA, RESPECT MOTHER CHER AND LET HER RELEASE THAT SONG.
6.) Thou shall steal a horse. “I stole a horse when I was thirteen.” “Did you take it as a lover?” “No I took it to Santa Ana.” This is everything.
7.) Thou shall always choose Jesus. If she could choose any person dead or alive to talk to, Cher chose the most famous man in history. What would she say? “Dude, what’s the deal?”
8.) Thou shall shed light. On appearing in a sketch with Farrah Fawcett back in The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour days: “She had t-ts and I didn’t.”
9.) Thou shall love the eighties. Why? Because she could swim naked.
10.) Thou shall slap Andy Cohen when he asks. “Would you like me to take my rings off?” Being fake-slapped by Cher was probably the greatest moment of Andy’s life.
And there you have it, the 10 Cher-mandments.. I’ll leave you with some burning questions: Why does she hate performing “Jesse James”? Who does her Botox? Why can’t she swim naked now? Does anyone else feel uncomfortable when a person refers to someone else as a “lover”? Did you actually play the drinking game last night? (The magic word “Cher” was said 79 times.)