Only six people died tonight on ABC’s Wipeout.
Just kidding, but I’m still convinced the muddy water under this increasingly absurd obstacle course is a mass grave containing scores of the insane human specimen who chose to compete on this show. Here are the standouts from tonight’s “Brains vs. Brawn” challenge, in descending order of how much they deserved their brutal demises.
9. “The Hacker” John Mahoney — he ended up winning the 50 grand with a staggering five-minute romp through the Wipeout Zone.
8. This unnamed man-monster, who was very accommodating to a handsy Jill Wagner.
7. “Mind Bender” Kenny, a marketing psychologist
6. This poor woman the hosts kept calling “Fish for Brains.” That’s quite the unfortunate giant banana placement!
5. ‘Mongo,’ a local brute the size of a grain silo
4. “Evil Genius” Andrew, who wants to make a super virus and create the antidote
3. Tonia Moore, who proudly claimed “I’m a tanner, so I tan people.”
2. “Algae Avenger” Kyle, who drank pond scum and threatened to “quit the superhero business”
1. “Hottie Bot” Jason, who wants to build a robot… to wipe his own butt.
Also, what in the tripped-out hell was this?
FINALLY — a new team of colorful, territorial weirdos has stepped up to overthrow the evil, fat-shaming Oompa Loompas once and for all!
You know, if you pause it just so, this bathtub event actually looks really fun:
Did you learn so much from this post? Discuss.