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Hit List: June 28, 2013

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1. Jackie Chan to pen musical about his life
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Your Face Rearranging is expected to hit Broadway next year.

2. Two days after being robbed of jewelry at gunpoint, 2 Chainz arrested at LAX for marijuana possession
”Call it even?” he asked the police officer hopefully.

3. Duck Dynasty cruise set for next summer
Meet the Robertsons on the lido deck for such games as ”Member of Duck Dynasty or ZZ Top?” and ”Name That Sound: Norovirus Colon Crisis or Actual Duck Call?”

4. Plans to begin Kickstarter-funded Veronica Mars film with a rain scene nixed as production is already $30,000 over budget
That’s just the first of many financial setbacks: For instance, the last page of the script currently reads, ”Insert another $500,000 here.”

5. In England, 51-year-old man sentenced to 28 days in jail for blasting Pink Floyd late at night
His defense was that his parents should have just shut the basement door.

6. M. Night Shyamalan claims that he ghostwrote 1999 teen rom-com She’s All That
How did we not figure it out from that ”The nerdy chick was actually hot the whole time!” twist?

7. Ringo Starr to adapt Beatles’ ”Octopus’s Garden” into children’s book
His previous attempt didn’t go very well, as little kids were asking, ”Mommy, did Lucy go up in the sky with the diamonds because she was a special girl who could fly or because of the LSD-induced hallucinations?”

8. Julian Assange to release song with Puerto Rican band Calle 13
It won’t hit radio until later this year, and will be either leaked or extradited to one of three countries.

9. Sesame Street unveils ”Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration,” video series aimed at children whose parents are in prison
The segment that explained how Bert and Ernie sometimes have to join rival gangs to maintain the balance of power was educational.

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