Now that well-intentioned ramble-monster Mariah Carey and professional cotton-candy-cloud of artifice Nicki Minaj have both been released from American Idol‘s sequined shackles, it was clearly time to revisit the video for Mimi and Nicki’s classic 2010 collaboration “Up Out My Face.” (you can watch the original below). Only then could we better imagine their reactions to being released from the painful prison of having to sit and look pretty for millions of dollars….
“Ugh. Hello? What. You know we don’t SPEAK.”
“Hold on, I’ma get up. This shot is DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO FEATURING THE BAD SIDE OF MY FACE.”
“You’ve opted out of your contract too, dahhhhhhling Clown Bangs? How original. How many times to I have to TELL you, dahling. First the hit records, then agreeing under contract to say whatever Nigel Lythgoe wants (along with, in my case, 500-word scramble ft. one nugget of music industry advice), and now leaving the show the same day I do?”
“STOP F—ING COPYING ME!!!!!”
“This was all I ever wanted. Solitutde with my butterflies and ladypower. And you RUINED THAT TOO just by SHOWING UP!”
“Mmmmm…dahling….your breath. You are NOT allowed to be this close without my bodyguard Randy present. Bitch, come any closer with that stank wig and I’m about to toss all the grapes, plums, and eggplants I ate today. It’ll be a Viiiiii-IIII-iiiii-sion of Purpllllllllllllle Vomit. Ohhhhh….ah-ooh-ah-hieeeeeEEEEEE-uh! HiiiiiieeEEE-uh-hoo-ah, yeahhhhhhhhh…uh yeah-yeahhh. Vomit.”
“Fine, this is fine for a second, but DON’T YOU DARE MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME again! Ooh there’s the camera. How cute do we look? I look fantastic as always. It’s actually sort of sad that no one will get to see our costume so often…”
“My boobs! (Nice try displaying your boobs all the time on the show, Nicki. America knows where to look! And I WOULD LIKE TO HOPE that AMERICA will make the right choice tonight and on all nights. And these boobs have a special meaning to ME PERSONALLY because my mother gave me these boobs and used to go around singing about what one day my boobs would be come. And it’s just….how do I say this…. it’s like…..there are no words. BEYOND…. Just?…..Beyond. Hashtag Pow. #Beautiful.)”
“So it’s goodbye to all of this, dahling….and hello to more of this in a SOLO SETTING featuring JUST ME in decadent locale of my choosing!”
I CLEARLY DON’T NEED THE MONEY!
NICKI MINAJ INTERJECTS:
“Thank you American Idol for a life changing experience! Wouldn’t trade it for the world! Time to focus on the Music!!! Mmmuuuaahhh!!! I’M GONNA KILL YOU AND WEAR YOU AS A WIG, BALLOON. MMMMUUUAAHHH!!!
“This was all a BIG mistake. Big. HUGE!”
SEE ROUND 1 OF THIS SAGA: Mariah Carey gets the Nicki Minaj phone call: An ‘Up Out My Face’ dramatization