I know what the Met is. I know what a Gala is. I understand, in broad strokes, the basic concepts of high fashion. I know how to spell couture, I think. [Googles.] Yes, I definitely know how to spell couture. But I know almost nothing about the Met Gala. Twitter told me that, this year, there was some kind of “Punk” theme, and apparently said “Punk” theme produced hilarious fashion disasters. The bigwigs here at EW.com asked me to provide an outsider perspective on the evening’s dress wear. Forthwith, certain questions from the male demographic while perusing our fashion gallery.
1. Jennifer Lawrence is wearing a veil. When I went to high school, veils were more “goth.” How old is Jennifer Lawrence, and does she even know the difference between “goth” and “punk”?
2. Can Emma Watson ever be punk? I feel like she’s at this uncanny level where, in order to be punk, she would have to buy a private island and start her own society funded by Harry Potter royalties and then declare war on, like, Romania.
3. Couldn’t you argue that Gwyneth Paltrow is really punk specifically because she’s so completely not punk? Kind of like how Green Day used to argue that “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)” was the most punk thing they could do?
4. HOLY CRAP Jessica Pare! I bet a lot of people are making fun of this dress, but in all fairness, she actually looks like she could be dancing just offstage at a Sex Pistols concert. Can there be a Megan Draper spin-off where she moves to Hollywood and suddenly its 1979?
5. Did Gwen Stefani specifically dress terrible because ska is a terrible version of punk?
6. Is Allison Williams young enough to think that dressing like Uma Thurman in Batman & Robin constitutes “punk”?
7. Is “fashion” really just a secret ploy by aliens to transform everyone into Tilda Swinton?
8. If Sarah Jessica Parker buys a Jackson Pollock painting and wears it to the Met Gala, does that mean the apocalypse has been averted or that the apocalypse has already happened?
9. WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY ABOUT EVERYONE TRANSFORMING INTO TILDA SWINTON?
10. Deep question: Whereas “punk” was semi-explicitly about rebelling against the establishment; and whereas the establishment it was rebelling against was rock ‘n roll; and whereas rock n’ roll itself is an establishment-created movement that appealed to people who wanted to rebel against the establishment; and whereas rock is dead, punk is dead, and everything nowadays is either pop or a hip-hop blend of pop — Therefore, why is Beyoncé wearing a Persian rug?
11. Wouldn’t this dress have been much better if Katy Perry took if off halfway through the party, burned it in effigy, and was wearing a body-paint bikini with the faces of Pope Benedict and Pope Francis covering either bosom? That would’ve been punk.
12. What happens at the Met Gala? Do people, like, look at art? Like, is it possible that, at some point last night, Nicki Minaj and Blake Lively and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau were all staring at “Washington Crossing the Delaware”?
13. Since the theme was “punk,” doesn’t the fact that this dress looks like a disaster actually make this dress a complete success? Actually, this is my favorite dress of all the dresses I’ve looked at. Like, if somebody wore that to your high school prom, they would clearly be the coolest girl/gay dude in school.
14. JESUS CHRIST THERE’S ANOTHER TILDA SWINTON!
15. How long does it take to prepare for one of these red carpets, typically? Like, all day? All week? I feel like I could spend a year planning an outfit for the Met Gala and I still couldn’t come up with anything close to this. The shoes are gold or something!
16. Does “punk” just not mean anything anymore? Is it one of those words where everyone openly agrees on what it means, even though everyone secretly has a different definition? Isn’t that basically what “fashion” is — something invented by Meryl Streep and whoever Meryl Streep was based on to torment us normal people? Isn’t all of society just a lie agreed upon? I’m pretty sure Littlefinger and Varys were talking about this on Game of Thrones this week. Coincidentally, isn’t Mary-Kate Olsen such a Tyrell?
17. And Minka Kelly is such a Stark.
18. And Julianne Hough is such a Greyjoy raised by Starks.
19. And Jennifer Morrison is such a wildling.
20. I mean, yes. Miley Cyrus went punk. Right? Are people making fun of her on the Internet for this dress? Honestly, anyone making fun of her for this dress is basically equivalent to the parents in Bye Bye Birdie. If Miley Cyrus could ever make music as cool as this dress, she’d be kinda cool.
21. In a meeting this morning, several human women at the table praised Nina Dobrev’s dress. I mean, listen, I’m a guy, she’s Nina Dobrev, so she looks great. But aesthetically, what the hell is this? I feel like I’m looking at a teenager who just found her great-grandmother’s haunted dress from the McKinley inauguration. Fashion, question mark?
22. This looks more rap-rock than punk to me.
23. NICOLE RICHIE WENT FULL TILDA! Actually, this looks more like the Bride of Frankenstein meets the bald chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture meets the future meets the past. Is this what fashion is? Is this what fashion isn’t?
24. Man, it’s really easy to be a dude.
Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich
Read More of EW’s Met Gala Coverage: