Martha, Martha, Martha!
Look, we’re big fans of yours. You’re a billionaire, a brilliant entrepreneur, and a general HBIC. You’ve built a towering lifestyle empire that neither time nor a five-month stint in Federal Prison Camp, Alderson could tear asunder. You can do things with a glue gun that most desperate housewives merely dream about.
But here’s the thing: Your life’s work and your reputation both hinge on your impeccable taste. And unfortunately, the sparkle-encrusted, gold lamé pedal pushers you poured yourself into for the Great Gatsby premiere earlier this week just aren’t very tasteful.
We’re not saying you can’t pull off an outfit that’s got a little flash, or even a hint of sex appeal. You look much younger than your 71 years — maybe it’s something in the hot glue? — and even if you didn’t, there’s no hard-and-fast rule stating that an older woman must dress matronly. But those pants — if you can even call them pants — would look tacky on a 40-year-old, or a 30-year-old, or a 20-year-old. And even your flowy white shirt and neutral accents can’t counterbalance their innate awfulness.
If you want to show off your fun side, consider taking a leaf out of Helen Mirren’s book: find looks that are fitted all the way through, rather than half-skin-tight and half earth-mother, and know that a little glitz goes a long way. And please, find a way to repurpose those leggings into a clutch or an objet d’art or something. You’re a creative lady; you’ll figure it out.