APRIL 7, 2023
This is for all of you who have stuck with me all these years, through the tears and the laughs and that incident at last year’s People’s Choice Awards (I totally had an invitation, yo! I just misplaced it). Anyway, I can’t believe I’m 29. That’s, like, a million years old. But I’m still keeping it hot and fresh for the ladies — both my fly style and the donuts we serve every morning here at Tim Hortons. You guys know by now that I’ve been working part-time to keep my cash flow frosty. It’s cool, I guess, even though the shift manager, Tonya, sometimes has a hard time handling my swagger. Did you know the ”No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” sign applies to employees, too? What’s that noise about? And the other day a customer was whining about how his coffee was cold and I wanted to spit in his face like I used to when someone was frontin’. Sometimes on slow days I think about when I was still lighting up stadiums and TMZ was following my every move. It was awesome to be able to touch so many lives at once, but not everything was easy. People got on my case for the dumbest things, like driving my car superfast in a residential area or trying to get through an airport with a monkey I didn’t have papers for. Look, if someone hands you a monkey while you’re on tour, you just take the monkey. An international pop star doesn’t have time to ask questions about whether this or that little thing is legal or has been infected with rabies or whatever.
Okay, so maybe I don’t have many fancy cars or fancy monkeys these days. As you know, I had to sell most of that stuff to pay for my maple sizzurp addiction. There were mornings I’d wake up sticky and confused in a grocery aisle, surrounded by empty jugs and with no idea how I got there. Mrs. Butterworth is a harsh mistress. But thanks to the grace of God and my awesome sponsor (word to Amanda Bynes!), I haven’t touched a drop of the brown stuff in nearly two years. I’ve made other mistakes, too. I mean, I probably shouldn’t have gotten ”Selena 4 Eva” tattooed on my arm, because even though it turned out Selena wasn’t 4 Eva, the tattoo definitely is. Luckily, I got it redone so it reads ”Selenium 4 Eva,” which I think is way, way better because that shizz is totally a dope semiconducting element.
So here’s the real reason I’m writing this letter: I wanted to let you guys know I’ll be signing autographs this Saturday afternoon outside Tim’s. Tonya doesn’t like it when I set up the table, but she’s going to be out of town with family stuff. Plus, doesn’t she know my fans need me? I had five No. 1 albums by the time I was 19! I hung out with Usher! I had a monkey! I miss when Scooter was my manager. He wouldn’t make me trade my sweet flat-brim for a hairnet. Tonya’s the worst. Uh-oh, here she comes, she’s holding the mop. I better wrap this up. If you asked me 10 years ago if I thought I’d ever end up back in Canada, cleaning up a mess in a Tim Hortons bathroom, I’d say, ”No freaking way!” But you know what they say: Never say never.
xoxo and stay fresh, JB
As delivered via magic time machine to EW’s Keith Staskiewicz