Greetings rose lovers! Kristen Baldwin was waylaid earlier today by an Accent Table of Doom (those things really do pop up everywhere!), so I’ll be filling in for her for what Chris Harrison promised would be a “very special episode.” And he wasn’t just talking about the extended, porn music-filled shower scene that came perilously close to introducing the world to Little Sean. No, there were more “very special” bits. Because what happens during Very Special Episodes, kids — you know, other than outlandish sexual assaults and fleeting drug addictions? We learn things! So, in the spirit of tonight’s Bachelor, let’s run down Sean’s five ways to score a one-way limousine ride to spinsterhood.
5. Try to pass off “eyelash kisses” as the real thing
Sorry, Selma! You may have come up with new and embarrassing ways to express your physical desire for America’s most eligible set of pectorals, but you arrived too late to the family-shaming makeout party. No rose for you!
4. Get overly friendly with baked goods
“Mmmmm, baby baby. Stick it in my mouth!” Thus spake Lesley M. during a rather unfortunate ménage à brownie. Her double-chocolate innuendo wasn’t a deal breaker, per se — Sean liked Lesley’s playful spirit. But didn’t it seem a bit like he was secretly jealous of all the lip service she gave the sweet treat? Shortly thereafter, when Lesley couldn’t pony up three little words — you know, the ones he’s absolutely forbidden to say back, thus making her own declaration completely humiliating — it was over. “Had she said, ‘I love you,’ it could have been a game changer,” he admitted. “I think that might have been the thing that ultimately would have led me to meet her family.”
3. Talk about your mom… a lot
Ashley P., a.k.a. 50 Shades of Drunk, had nothing but a necktie, a bondage fantasy, and a nonversation starter. So when Ash got wasted-faceded at the opening-night cocktail party and repeated her talking point (“My mom loves you!”) no less than four times with Sean, he “started to think, ‘Is she messing with me?'” No, Sean. That’s Desiree’s shtick. (Another lesson: Don’t bet on Grey. “I had her in the final four of my Bachelor pool,” Chris admitted. “I lost a ton of money on that!”)
2. Have a sibling who tells the truth
Des had forewarned Sean that her brother “had gotten into some trouble… as a youth,” said the Bachelor. As such, Sean was prepared to face down a street hooligan — but a future brother-in-law who called it like he saw it? How dare you, sir! Sean was already off-balance from a lame fake ex-boyfriend prank, but when li’l bro Nate called him a “playboy,” the laughter stopped, record scratch-styles. “I really wanted to hit him. I really did. Because I can’t think of a bigger insult to hurl towards me because that’s not who I am at all,” Sean told Chris. “Attacking my character is the quickest way to get me heated…. So it took everything in me just to, basically, control my emotion.” He added, “Ultimately, I just chalk it up to him being a jackass.” A jackass with a single sister. Ya burnt!
1. Nearly torpedo “Sean’s dramatic journey to find love”
Leave it to our trusty Bachelor producers to save the worst for last. “When I watch it back, I think, ‘Man, I was such a fool.’ Because I really do feel like I was duped,” Sean said of the Tierrarist. “Tierra never should have come on the show. … She’s a woman that simply cannot get along with her peers.” He went on, “Had I caught wind of everything the girls did earlier, I wouldn’t have kept her.” And then Chris called Tierra “a cancer.” Which is pretty unfair to cancer, frankly.
Bonus lesson: Nerd notes!
It wasn’t all negative. Sean did reveal that top-three “lady” Catherine succeeded in winning him over by sending him quirky little notes throughout their nationally televised courtship. His favorite went thus: “Sean, I have a major crush on you, Catherine. P.S. Your arms are hairless. I dig that.” He, in turn, digs that she’s “a little odd.” Also, “very flexible!” She demonstrated her limberness by squeezing into the wheel well of a truck in Canada — but you’re really interested in her epistolary skills, right Sean? We’ll see next week when, as the promos suggest, she rebuffs your Fantasy Suite offer.
Speaking of which, it’s only a matter of time until you regularly scheduled recapper returns! Kristen will serve as your snarktacular tour guide as Sean and the remaining “ladies” travel to exotic Thailand for a buffet of bugs, unironic Titanic references, aggressive tongue kissing, voyeuristic monkeys, and cave swimming that doubles as aversion therapy. Teased Sean, “I do feel like I’m prepared to love in a way that I’ve never loved.” Like with monkeys watching?
What did you think about tonight’s ep, rose lovers? Are you still reeling from Desiree’s ouster? Did you revel in Sean’s long-overdue catharsis about Tierra? Who do you think sent Sean that note? And will it prematurely end of his journey toward a broken engagement in 2013?