December 21, 2012 at 05:00 AM EST

Chris Brown

type
Music
Current Status
In Season
performer
Chris Brown
Producers
Jive Records
genre
Hip-Hop/Rap
We gave it a C+

1. Muse ”Survival”
You know your Olympics anthem is in trouble when the Phantom of the Opera, Cookie Monster, and the ghost of Freddie Mercury are all like, ”Whoa, dudes. Maybe rein it in a little?”

2. Mariah Carey ”Triumphant Get ‘Em”
”Stay on your toes!” ”Get off the ropes!” ”Reach for the stars!” Sadly, no amount of worn-out metaphors could save this sleepy misfire from no-Mimi’s-land mediocrity.

3. Train ”Drive By”
Because nothing seduces a lady like a man who compares his love to a two-ply Hefty bag. Though in this case, an extended garbage metaphor is…not wrong.

4. Fat Joe ”Instagram That Hoe”
And you thought your friends’ vintage-filter food pics were annoying. Strenuously topical Internet reference + casually offensive sexism + super- terrible flow = a world of ugh.

5. Chris Brown ”Don’t Judge Me”
Whoops! Too late.

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