Listen up, rose lovers: The Bachelor is sick of your s–t, okay? Yes, they know that only 12.5 percent of their 24 “winning” “couples” have ended up at the altar, and that most break up 20 minutes as soon as the After the Final Rose credits roll… but “this show is and always will be dedicated to helping people find meaningful, life long relationships,” says Chris Harrison, and lots of random fameosexuals have gotten married thanks to Mike Fleiss’ evil empire: Holly and Blake! Deanna and Stephen Stagliano! John Presser and Tara Durr! (Wait, who?) Anyhow, enough is enough, haters — if you don’t stop talking smack about this franchise, Team Bachelor is going to cut a bitch.
And with that fit of defensive self-justification taken care of, welcome to Ashley and JP’s wedding! Or, that is, the 107 minutes of filler before the actual “I dos.” After a brief recap of the duo’s whirlwind Bachelorette “journey,” we rejoin the couple in the present day, living their “everyday life” — which involves renting those overpriced rowboats in Central Park, eating ice cream in downtown Princeton, NJ, and spending an inordinate amount of time discussing Ashley’s tiny dog Boo. (Side note: They are also prepared — nay, excited! — to host a Bachelorette viewing party for their future children, should those tykes ever wonder how mommy and daddy met. Guys, if you do, you might want to fast forward through this part.)
Ashley and JP have been so busy living their “fairy tale,” though, that they haven’t even had time to set a date for the wedding. It’s been so long that at this point, their family members — who’ve all gathered at a local bar to hear some exciting news from the couple — are starting to think that Ash & Jape are going to skip the whole marriage thing and go straight to makin’ babies. As Ashley begins her preamble — “We do have some really, really special news, and we wanted to share it with you guys first” — someone begins chanting, “Pregnant! Pregnant! Pregnant!” Nope, ABC has scheduled that special for next December – first everybody’s got to head out West to watch the duo get hitched for the cameras. Even Ashley’s sister Chrystie, who straight up hated JP when she met him for the first time, is happy to hear the news — or, at least, she’s agreed to tell America how “wrong,” “wrong,” “wrong” she was about her sister’s beau in exchange for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Langham Huntington Hotel in beautiful Pasadena, California.
Speaking of, the Langham’s worker bees are busy carpeting every available surface of the hotel’s horseshoe garden with white roses and hydrangeas. It’s all part of Ashley’s “simple,” “feminine,” “neutral” style she described to her wedding planner a few months back — a meeting that was, conveniently, also caught on film. In it, Jape manages to appear engaged for about three minutes, but once the discussion turns to wood tables and DJ vs. band and party favors and the dinner menu and gifts for the wedding party, he looks ready to open a vein. Fortunately we don’t have to watch the duo pore over fabric samples and centerpieces, because by the end of the next commercial break, super hero wedding planner Mindy Weiss has filled a ballroom with sample tables and even chosen a selection of gowns for Ashley’s pooch. One of which, I should add, is a $7,500 ensemble constructed out of antique lace. Screw you, 99 percent!
NEXT: Say yes to the dress!