When a screenwriter types the words FADE IN: on a blank white page, he or she is aiming for greatness. “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse.” “I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more.” “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the War Room!”
Inevitably, most every writer falls short, even the ones lucky enough to get their script to the screen. Movie lines can be all types of awful, from the joke that sounds like it somehow survived a 1998 re-write to the dialog that makes you feel bad for the actor tasked with bringing it to life. As Harrison Ford told George Lucas on the set of Star Wars: “You know, George, you can write this sh-t, but you sure can’t say it.” Click below for some of the most head-shaking doozies of 2012.
5. “Now look at him, married to a woman who looks like she’s been hibernating in Margaret Thatcher’s bumhole.” — Russell Brand’s club lackey, referring to Catherine Zeta-Jones’s prim harpy in Rock of Ages.
See, it’s the 1980s and Margaret Thatcher was an old biddy. Get it? Plus, bumhole!
4. “Welcome to escrow, bitch!” — What to Expect When You’re Expecting
“Trick or treat, bitch!” — Fun Size
“Don’t mess with the class of ’99, bitch!” — American Reunion
Let’s agree to retire “Bitch” as comic punctuation that has worn out its welcome. Put it right next to Wayne’s World‘s “Not!”
3. “Listen to me carefully, Kim. Your mother is gonna be taken.” — Liam Neeson in Taken 2
Literally, Neeson phones it in. As a catchphrase, it’s much more convoluted than “I’ll be back.”
2. “Now that’s some real Chinese take out.” — Jason Statham as two Chinese men jump out of his plane in The Expendables 2.
Sylvester Stallone’s gang of aging warriors pummel audiences into submission with an avalanche of elbow-to-the-ribs quips. This is just one of the… best?
1. “Please, please, just let me f-ck the sh-t out of you right now. And if you’re not convinced afterwards that I am into you in every possible way a person can be into another person, then I promise I will never try to kiss you, or f-ck you, or impregnate you ever again, as long as I live.” — Adam Scott to his baby-mama Jennifer Westfeldt, in the climax of Friends With Kids.
The standing slow-clap ovation goes to this gem, the rare unfettered debacle that is simultaneously noble and proudly awful.
More Best of 2012: