Awards season can seem a little ridiculous at times. The Oscars are a tradition and the Golden Globes are a party, but there sometimes seem to be about 36 other awards shows vying for attention. Before you know it, they’re going to start handing out awards before the movies even come out. What’s that, you say? The Hollywood Film Awards already steamrolled that notion? How can you possibly honor a film or performance that you haven’t even seen?
It’s a fair question, but that didn’t stop giant Hollywood stars from turning out last night for the 16th annual Hollywood Film Awards, the brainchild of a canny promoter named Carlos de Abreu. Dustin Hoffman “won” for Hollywood Breakthrough Director, Bradley Cooper and Marion Cotillard took home acting awards, Quentin Tarantino was named the best screenwriter, presumably for the still unfinished Django Unchained. Perhaps the Hollywood Film Awards are the “official launch of awards season,” but I defer to Seth Rogen, who pointed out some industry truths when he introduced Judd Apatow, who was honored with the Hollywood Comedy Award.
“This is the first stop of the awards season. Or if you work in comedy, it’s known as the last stop of the awards season. This is it. This is all. We’ll lose to a musical at the Golden Globes. We all know that will happen. Les Mis just f—ed us all. The funniest movie of all time could come out and Les Mis will still win. It doesn’t matter. This is it. So you better enjoy it. People in comedy do wonder why we don’t get more awards recognition for our work. We think maybe it’s because we make it look so easy. It could be our gross overuse of the word scrotum. That could have something to do with it. But I think everyone knows the truth. It’s ugly and hard to admit but I’m going to say it — Hollywood hates Jewish people.
Perhaps the most amazing thing about this award show tonight is that none of these movies have come out yet. I think Quentin is still shooting Django if I’m not mistaken. I’ve never even heard of some of these movies yet. That’s how far out they are. They don’t even have trailers. What’s Rust and Bone? I don’t know what Rust and Bone is but apparently it’s amazing. That Chris Pine animated movie is still being animated. Katzenberg just rewrote the whole ending I heard.
Which brings me to my next question. Who voted for these things? I was told someone named Carlos or something like that. I picture Carlos the Jackal because all I know is his name is Carlos. It’s nice because it kind of feels like these are the new Golden Globes. Right? No one knows what it is. I don’t even get how they’re giving out these comedy awards. Zach Galifianakis won last year. He and Judd don’t even have the same job. Literally, they don’t do the same thing. All you need to do to win is have an amazing beard. That’s what I’ve learned.
But in all seriousness, it’s great that Judd is getting some recognition. He’s an incredible director. He’s not as good as Ben Affleck. I’m just going to say that. Ben Affleck is way better. [If Judd had] directed Argo, it would have been very unsuspenseful and I would have been in it. So let’s all take a walk down memory lane or into the future. I don’t know — they might show stuff from his new movie. Don’t get caught doping or they will strip you of this award in the future.”
(Reporting by Carrie Bell.)