One week ago, dystopian techno-despotic megacorporation Apple effectively stunted the evolution of human society with the introduction of a new operating system — named “iOS 6,” as in “iOS 666,” as in Satan — which replaced beloved cartography system Google Maps with a far more insidious in-house application. Called simply “Maps,” the application was filled with images from a fearsome Bizarro-Earth where Portland was a nature preserve, Europe was accessible on the 405 freeway, and the North American landbridge never sank back into the ocean. A generation of smart phone users — incapable of holding more than two directions in their mind at once — found themselves wandering the streets of our once-great society, hunted, despised, living like animals. Home? We had no home. According to Apple, our home was only accessible by going northeast on a southbound dirt road and taking a left turn at the Yangtze River Valley.
Having heard the mournful cries of iPhone users echoing throughout the land, Apple CEO Tim Cook has written an official apology letter at Apple’s website. “At Apple, we strive to make world-class products that deliver the best experience possible to our customers,” Cook explains. “With the launch of our new Maps last week, we fell short on this commitment. We are extremely sorry for the frustration this has caused our customers and we are doing everything we can to make Maps better.” Cook spins the apology forward by noting that over 100 million devices are now using the new operating system, which is Silicon Valley-speak for “Awww, you don’t like this new thing? Well, we’ve already taken over the world, so why don’t you cry about it some more? There’s an app for that! CryMore!” Cook notes that Apple greatly appreciates the feedback they’ve been receiving about Maps, especially since all of the hatred being directed in Apple’s direction will only make Apple more powerful by the transitive property of the Dark Side of the Force.
Cook rounds out his letter by noting that there are great mapplications on the App store. “You can try alternatives by downloading map apps from the App Store like Bing, MapQuest and Waze,” he writes — a sentence which was almost certainly composed over a chorus of snickers and someone whispering “MapQuest? Oh no, Cookmeister, that’s too mean.” Cook also helpfully notes that everyone complaining about the loss of Google Maps can just go on their internet browser and type in “Google Maps.” Or they can just buy a Droid, hahaha LOL.
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