The sun is shining, the grill is grilling… but all you want to do is sit around and watch the tube. We at EW feel your pain; it’s tough to celebrate a holiday that marks the beginning of the school year, the advent of autumn chill, and the last episode of Breaking Bad until 2013.
Happily, if you choose to spend the next three days glued to your couch, you’ll have plenty of ways to keep yourself entertained. Here’s a guide to the best of this weekend’s marathons — which include ’90s nostalgia-fests, geeky favorites, and a whole day of movies in which Clint Eastwood does not yell at a chair.
Monday, September 3
The mother lode! That describes both today’s programming in general and ABC Family, which airs all-day mother-daughter angst via Switched at Birth. (7 a.m.-9 p.m.)
There’s a Buffy marathon on Chiller, a channel you didn’t know you got. (12 a.m.-6 a.m. on Tuesday)
AMC had its Clint Eastwood movie marathon planned way before the whole Invisible Obama thing happened. Try to forget his rambling address by remembering how great he was in films like A Fistful of Dollars and The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (10 a.m.-12 a.m.)
E! airs more Swamp People… er, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, from 8 a.m.-12 p.m. and again from 1-10 p.m. That’s a lot of mascara tears.
Satisfy your craving for Chopped on Food Network. (10 a.m.-6 p.m.)
Chantay, you stay glued to that couch for 12 glorious hours of RuPaul’s Drag Race on Logo. (10 a.m.-10 p.m.)
Spotted: Season 1 of Gossip Girl on Style. It’ll thrill you when you remember how great the show once was. (9 a.m.-3 a.m.)
Love bloodsuckers but not the sparkly Twilight kind? Syfy has the solution: A marathon of spooky vampire movies like Cirque du Freak and Dracula 3000, all completely Cullen-free. (8:30 a.m.-3 a.m. Tuesday)
Who are Rizzoli & Isles? I have no idea! Let’s find out together on TNT this afternoon. (11 a.m.-8 p.m.)
Men men men men manly men men men, men men men men, Two and a Half Men. On FX. Meeeeeeeeen. (12 p.m.-12 a.m.)
Get some school back-to-school spirit by watching a day of Degrassi on TeenNick. Just try not to follow these kids’ example. (10 a.m.-8 p.m.)
Wait, Degrassi‘s Canadian! Ditch it for Starz’ school movies marathon, filled with American classics like Billy Madison and Dazed and Confused. (1 p.m.-7 p.m.)
And just in case you didn’t get enough costumed crusaders this summer, Encore is also hosting a full 24 hours of superhero movies. The day includes all four Christopher Reeve Superman flicks, though nobody’s going to be mad if you skip The Quest for Peace. (12 a.m.-12 a.m. Tuesday)
Sunday, September 2
What could make this day of rest even more relaxing? 14 hours of guidos screaming at each other! Real Housewives of New Jersey airs on Bravo from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. The New York housewives get their own marathon on Monday. (7:30 a.m.-10 p.m.)
Also, USA will play Law & Order: SVU all day. How cute, USA, pretending like this isn’t what you always air anyway. (10 a.m.-11 p.m.)
Saturday, September 1
Missed this spring’s buzziest miniseries? You’re in luck: A&E is re-airing Hatfields & McCoys in its entirety from 6 p.m. to 4 a.m. Saturday.
There are plenty of tennis and college football games to choose from — but those who love both sports and soaps will have a blast watching The Game on BET from 10 a.m. to 9 p.m.
First, read our Dr. Who cover story. Then tune in to BBC America, which is running a massive Who marathon — already in progress, as of Friday at 8 a.m. — through 9 p.m. Saturday, when the net will air the sci-fi favorite’s 7th season premiere.
Keep up with the Kardashians on E!… or abandon all pretense and just watch 12 hours of Swamp People on History. Your call. (8 a.m.-8 p.m.)
Feel like a bitchy, spoiled kid again with MTV’s giant re-airing of The Hills, which runs from Friday at 12:45 p.m. through Sunday at 9 p.m. That’s a lot of mascara tears.
A better bet: MTV2 is following 16 hours of Saved by the Bell (8 a.m.-12 a.m.) with 16 hours of Boy Meets World (12 a.m.-4 p.m. Sunday). Another, shorter marathon of both shows airs Monday (BMW from 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Saved from 4-10 p.m.).
Or regress even further on Spike, which is airing all three original Star Wars movies twice today (1:15 p.m.-2:30 a.m.). A marathon of both Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park III follows on Monday (3:15 p.m.-2:15 a.m.). Wondering what happened to Movie #2? Remember: It’s a lost world.