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'DWTS All-Stars': Ranking the promo pics! What's their damage?

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The Dancing With the Stars promo pics for season 15 — All-Stars! — are out. This happens twice a year, and I love and hate it. LOVE because I get to create fictions about the couples based on one ridiculous photograph; HATE because 1) they’re a sign I’m about to lose my nighttime freedom in a few weeks and 2) the Planet Mirrorballus visitors are tragically not dahhhhhhncing together already.

Here’s how I ranked the couples on their chances to actually win this thing. But right now — for no reason at all other than “It’s a summer Friday” — let’s go through their press photos and determine where each couple falls on the Damages Scale from 1 (merely annoying) to 10 (bunny-boiling). And if you’re new, please keep in mind….I’m kidding! Always.

Kelly Monaco and Valentin Chmerkovskiy

This one is just hands-down the hottest. Matching sex-on-the-beach hair?! I mean, of course, no, I know, it’s wrong. They should keep it professional. But maybe a glamorous showmance is the DEFINITION of keeping it professional on Dancing With the Stars. Gah, just look at them! Sex on a piece of driftwood. No damages incurred. (0)

Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd

Gilles has apparently mistaken this program for a giant hands contest. I’ll allow it. (0.5)

NEXT PAGE: Ah, those good old days when Drew Lachey was useful