Can you believe this wacky All-Stars season features all top three finishers from season 8? What are the chances? This show has been on for decades! Melissa Rycroft, Shawn Johnson, and Gilles Marini will face off again — probably with their feet on the ground, to avoid citations from Lift Police Chief Inaba. Will any of them make it to season 15’s freestyle night? Help me rank the whole cast….
Will the recapper please reveal her scores? Barrett Ann-Inahhhhhh-ber!
Gilles Marini (season 8 runner-up): The Sex and the City stud truly is the complete ballroom package — the judges and pros consider him one of the best Latin partners of the series. 10 out of 10!
Apolo Anton Ohno (season 4 winner): Even if he doesn’t get to dance with Julianne Hough again, the Olympic speed skater (and current London 2012 correspondent) will bedazzle the crowd. 9 out of 10
Kirstie Alley (season 12 runner-up): Let’s face it — fans want to like Maks, and Kirstie was his best partner since Mel B who made it easiest for that to happen. Plus, she’s funny. And she’s been taking ballroom lessons. And she LOST WEIGHT! 8 out of 10
Emmitt Smith (season 3 winner): He’s the only NFL star on the roster — how do I not have him slated as the winner already? I think he’ll need to step up the hip action if he wants to match Gilles and Apolo. 8 out of 10
Drew Lachey (season 2 winner): The former 98 Degrees singer set the freestyle standard with Cheryl — everyone remembers “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” But can he compete technically with the big boys? 7 (“Seh-vehhhn!) out of 10
Shawn Johnson (season 8 winner): She’ll benefit from an Olympics afterglow and her Today show correspondent gig 7.14232 (or some other crazy gymnastics decimal-point nightmare) ouf of 10
Kelly Monaco (season 1 winner): The General Hospital star has probably been delivering dramatic monologues to the original mirrorball trophy in a gilded dressing room for all these years. Pretty decent training. 6 out of 10
Bristol Palin (third place in season 11): Ugh, not again. A replay of the overwhelmingly exhausting “Why is she here?” vs. “LEAVE BRISTOL ALONE!” controversy should keep her in for a few weeks. ZZZ. 5 out of 10
Melissa Rycroft (third place in season 8): She’s pretty and dances well, but I wish Stacy Keibler had come back to dance with Tony instead. Was she annoying or something? I honestly forget. 4 out of 10
Helio Castroneves (season 5 winner): Ten seasons later and all I can remember about the Indy 500 champ is that banana suit. Still, all those ballroom audience appearances since then can’t hurt. 4 out of 10
Joey Fatone (season 4 runner-up): Sadly, I just don’t see America bringing itself to care about two ex-boy banders — especially when there’s a hot Frenchman around. 3 out of 10 (“Bye, Bye, Bye”)
Pamela Anderson (eliminated week 7, season 10): She just seems like the Hasselhoff of the group, right? Unless she happens to be paired with Tristan, forget it. 2 out of 10
The Wild Card Spot: Sabrina Bryan, Kyle Massey, or Carson Kressley will sneak in at the last minute after a month-long Viewer Vote (go to abc.com). I know Sabrina deserves it the most, but I’d love to see Carson vogue another day.
Rank the season 15 sparkaliens yourself in the comments!