1. Lady Gaga releases video for perfume Fame, with studly shirtless men mixing ”crushed heart of tiger orchidea” and ”tears of belladonna” in beakers
The original version also contained the ”stage fright of a koala” and ”steam-distilled sweat of a dozen left-handed hobos,” but that just felt like a bit too much.
2. Spice Girls reportedly to reunite for Olympics performance
So many questions! Will Posh’s scowl extinguish the flame? I guess that’s my only question.
3. Rapper Game calls off wedding one week before ceremony: ”Not everyone has a happy ending”
He’s not kidding. His fiancée is now stuck with 200 ”I Got Game!” T-shirts.
4. Coachella organizers launch 20-band Caribbean cruises
Whatever. I liked it back when the only motion sickness came from watching glow sticks while rolling on E.
5. Charlie Sheen on possibly becoming an American Idol judge: ”If an offer comes in, it’s definitely a conversation”
And that conversation is: ”How the hell did I get this offer?”
6. Before threatening North America, Hurricane Fabio rapidly downgraded to tropical depression
Give the storm credit — even in those darkest of hours, it never once considered making a butter-substitute commercial.
7. OPI introducing line of nail polish to commemorate James Bond’s 50th anniversary
When you open the bottle, it quips: ”No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to apply.”
8. Pete Rose to star on TLC reality series
You’ll get to see the real Pete, the one who exercises restraint by not placing any action on 19 Kids and Counting. (The over-under is only 21, by the way!)
9. Viacom settles standoff with DirecTV, restoring MTV, 16 other channels
DirecTV referred to it as ”an unnecessary and ill-advised blackout,” while subscribers called it ”nine sobering days to reconsider that season pass to Snooki & JWoww.”