1. Rolling Stones planning 50th-anniversary tour
They’re already rehearsing ”Let’s Spend the Late Afternoon Together” and ”Standin’-in-Place Jack Flash.”
2. Snooki confirms name of baby: Lorenzo
She also revealed the name of the club where she’ll throw his first birthday party (Hot Shotz), the conservative group that will protest outside (NAJD: Not Angry Just Disappointed), and the social worker who will pay them a cursory visit before asking for her autograph (Steve).
3. Marine biologist names bloodsucking parasite in Caribbean Sea after Bob Marley
Really, dude? There are six editions of Real Housewives to choose from and you pick a beloved reggae legend?
4. Robert Smith fills time after the Cure’s keyboards break during festival gig by playing solo unplugged set
No drums. No bass. Just a man and his guitar…and his eyeliner, mascara, foundation, lipstick, and hairspray.
5. Fleetwood Mac to reunite next year
Or else someone seriously misheard ”They’re just plain rumors” as ”They’re just playing Rumours.”
6. Oregon mom sues Justin Bieber for $9.2 mil, alleging she suffered hearing loss from screaming fans at concert
Marking the first time in history that an adult was angry about not being able to hear Justin Bieber sing.
7. Slipknot frontman Corey Taylor passes out at Dallas concert after overheating
It’s never a good moment at a Slipknot show when they suddenly announce, ”Uh, does anyone here know mask-to-mask resuscitation?”
8. Harry Potter‘s Daniel Radcliffe to star in fantasy thriller as rape and murder suspect who starts to grow horns out of his head
We also would have accepted ”rom-com with Mila Kunis.”