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Snooki & JWoww season premiere: A photo recap

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MTV debuted the latest Jersey Shore franchise extension last night. The good news: Snooki & JWoww is not as bad as The Pauly D Project, the accidentally depressing portrait of a bro-gang on a mission to relive all the Entourage subplots you hated. The bad news: Snooki & JWoww lacks the mythological heft and emotional complexity of Jersey Shore, and Jersey Shore actually has neither of those things I just said. What Snooki & JWoww did have was faux drama — or should I say, Faux-Drama, with a capital hyphen. Wait, you can’t capitalize hyphens? I thought this was America! Go back to Iceland, hippies!

Let’s take a long look at the drama, in the form of pictures which speak a thousand words and captions which will comprise decidedly less than a thousand words.

The fun began with JWoww lounging on her bed, juggling various Apple products in an attempt to secure an apartment for herself, her pet dogs, and her pet Snooki.

Elsewhere on Earth, we find the wild Shnookums in her natural habitat: waking up in the afternoon. The only animal lazier than the Wild Shnookums is the domesticated panda. At least the Shnookums breeds from time to time. (Lazy pandas.)

At this point, Snooki decides that it’s time to drop a bombshell on her mom: She wants to move in with JWoww, her best friend and also that girl who starred in that one reality show with her that one time.

Snooki’s mom is skeptical.

Snooki insists that living with JWoww will almost certainly lead to a whole host of madcap adventures in an intriguing new setting.

Snooki’s mom is skeptical.

JWoww’s puppy is skeptical.

JWoww’s boyfriend, Roger, is skeptical.

You know who isn’t skeptical, though? Mr. Snooki, the patient patriarch and Joe Pantoliano body double. He’s excited that Baby Shnookums wants to be a homeowner. “But Snooki, dear,” he says in his best James Mason impression, “Investing in property is no joke. It’s a real responsibility. Now, let’s learn all about our funny friend, the Utility Bill.”

I was going to make a joke about the thought bubble over Snooki’s head right now, but does anyone else think that it looks a little bit like she’s wearing a Davy Crockett™ Brand Coonskin Cap?

NEXT PAGE: The Thrilling Conclusion