Welcome to ‘What Is Your Damage,’ Annie Barrett’s summer shop of all the melodrama and self-absorption she misses from springtime reality TV. Every Tuesday and Friday, she’ll rant about a current offense to her humanity, then assess readers’ damages via video replies. Don’t be shy about admitting what annoys or intrigues you. We’re all in this pop cult together!
What is your damage, typically shirtless man-child Adam Sackler? You look like an “If They Mated” result between a Prometheus creature and Gilligan. You were presented as an enormous doucheboat (that you built all by yourself, gettin’ by with a little help from grandma’s $800 a month) on the premiere of Girls. Then in the last four episodes you became more complex — romantic, even — and I could tell I was supposed to warm up to you. You told Hannah you loved her, posted hundreds of “SORRY” fliers along a building, and carried a mattress and a chair down the stairs for Marnie. You were the best worst boyfriend in Brooklyn.
But you snapped right back to your old self at the end of the season 1 finale, so I’ve decided I have had it with your evil ways! (Until season 2, of course, when I’m sure I will love to hate you even more.)
Come on, Adam. Just because you finally suggested you had genuine feelings for Hannah (“Save your strength. We’re in it for the long haul. #AwwAdam moment,” tweeted @GirlsHBO) does not mean you get to call her a “f—ing bitch” when Hannah hesitates to move in with you. And where did that come from, anyway? Weren’t you complaining about how she “chased me like I’m the f—ing Beatles for six months”? And now you’re professing long-term commitment and kissing her hand at a wedding while sputtering out cutesy nonsense like “Time is a rubber band”? And we’re supposed to swoon? I’m not buying it. Did I zone out and ponder the implications of time as a rubber band for the next three minutes with the DVR on pause? YES. I’m no moron. Of course I did that. But I still wasn’t buying that you’re a changed man.
I don’t really know what Hannah’s damage is, either, carrying on with you. While you were sleeping like Peter Gallagher (maybe) in the hospital, that “monster” Hannah looked more at peace in solitude at Coney Island — having just been robbed! — than she has in your hot-and-cold presence all season.
Truth be told, Adam, you are a genius love-to-hate-him character, and your behavior is a perfect example of “what a gross-hot guy can get away with in Brooklyn.” It’s a testament to Lena Dunham’s immaculate conception of you that I dislike you so much. You’re honestly a joy to hate because you’re just a character. I could never deal with you in person, but I’m so glad you exist on screen. Get out of my face, but stay there!
You know you can be seriously scary, right? I definitely thought you were about to murder Hannah in “Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too” (DO THEY?) when you silently held up the soap after “surprising her” in the shower. I’m talking full-on dread here. The shower scene directly followed your altercation with a car, or “c—satchel” according to you, so was I that far off, really? I can totally see you killing someone and justifying it to yourself that you did it because it’s what you felt like doing. Oh, that Adam, always sticking to his convictions!
Instead of a shower murder, you peed on Hannah and refused to stop after she begged you to, you Psycho.
If she ever cleans off the pee, Hannah won’t be able to take you anywhere, by the way. You are a nightmare in public. You complain that Hannah “doesn’t have the right” to be scared and that she doesn’t understand struggle, but you’re the one who outwardly acts like the world is about to violently attack him at any moment. And I guess you’re right, in the case of cars, especially during the finale. When cars attack, it’s no joke.
You drink orange Gatorade — the worst flavor; why do they even go there? — and you don’t like sweets. You called ice cream “sweet mucus” and, at the wedding, kept inhaling deeply while hovered over a cake pop, but never eating the cake. Inexcusable.
And even though you initiated “the quiet game” during an anal sex trial run, technically paid Hannah to watch you jerk off, and peed on her against her will, somehow THIS was my most horrifying #EwwAdam moment of the season.
Aggggggggghhhhhhh! Note to everyone: Never do this.
Adam, I know we are supposed to respect you for your honesty and self-awareness in a group of characters who have no idea what they want. But sometimes you’re so extreme (you were such a good actor while rehearsing that play) that I have trouble seeing you as totally genuine. You strike me as a steady stream of performance art, like an attention-hungry pet who misbehaves just to get a rise out of its owner. And pees on everything, all the time.
And you are NOT a good apologizer, just FYI!
WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE THIS WEEK? Tell me!
EW.com Reader Damages for June 19, 2012: I’ve ranked the following atrocities, submitted by readers this week, on a scale of 1 (harmless) to 10 (Heather Chandler) in the ‘WIYD’ video player below.
–Chris Brown and Rihanna
—The Bachelorette‘s Emily
–Kim Kardashian’s “kissy face selfies” on Twitter
–Kim Zolciak not letting family feces in the house
–Continuous forgiveness of Charlie Sheen
–People who like Nicki Minaj
–Oprah falling from grace with the Kardashians interview
–Bad songwriting, namely the latest from Train
–Crumbs in keyboards
—Pretty Little Liars
–Men’s inability to groom nose and ear hair
–Not personally knowing me so we can’t be best friends
Click on the text prompts in the video player below to see my expert assessments.
What is your damage? What is with you today? What’s with today, today? Let me know what’s annoying you by sending me a “question” in the video box. Start with “From [your name, or a code name if it’s too embarrassing to be seen with me]” so I can address you properly). You can also tweet and/or e-mail me your damages. Do not mail me your damages. I do not believe in paper.
Thanks for playing along, and I’ll see you Friday!